The week of Murphologies
(Extremely long post..... This post is strictly for saving memories.)
Moment of aura swept the grave of unknown failure;
Moment of blur reeked the garden of known success.....
(No worries peeeepul. No poetry's coming out, 'unless' I finish the second project, which I expect would take another 3 years to finish :D )
Anyways, last 10 days had been fun, furtive, fudgy, freaky, fricking frickety fricky, and finally forced freedom found....
In spite of my persistent abstinence from any social interaction, coz of a dreamlike duty, I ended up performing a magic show with the help of my magical Roomie (All I had to do was mock around, get myself self criticized, and make jokes to keep the crowd laughing). Add to the pranks, a video showcasing I, Shivaji, the gang, and a few other peoples fun side, was all it took to keep my pre conference night occupied in front of the entertained crowd. Boss gonna miss u da.... :-)
A delayed flight, a re-routing to Dakshin, a $10 stuffed tummy, which burped "See, there is a reason for all the mishap", a momentful dream of the childish smile, a missed registration coz of some exotic food, walk along the dried out fountain (which could have been compared analogous to the skating of a 4 year old), a game of bowling where the pins always seem to be aligned on the pretty lady walking past us, was how the conference started to take its shape.
An extremely happening breakfast, followed by some sensible talks, a 'Crap.... I am not the intruding introducer' feeling of disgust, and finally a question of "What's the problem Hari? U seem de-spirited", took me into the constructive phase of "Huh, Am I really looking that depressed?" Luckily, a selective strategy of formal obsolesce, casual teaching, spirited smile of innocence, and a 'I am selling my work for sure' inferno took me by surprise, when I was asked humbly to attend the next days luncheon on behalf of receiving an award for my poster. One good thing I had to do impromptu, was the way I introduced the news to my advisor, whose smile of confidence just made me jumping jacks inside my heart. But, with it was accompanied, the smirk of Mr. Murphy and I realized that I am repeating my past one more time.
A surfeited breakfast of only cheese cake, and tiramisu, a strange feeling of being noticed, a couple of 10s of cards, and finally, a luncheon of surprise. While, the order of an award ceremony is usually descending in India, this time it was candidly simple, "Now, for the student poster award for Nanoscale Science and Engineering Forum. I would like to ask Hari Chirra of Univ of Kentucky to stand up for getting the first place" An immediate eye popping, face perplexing, question of 'huh?' swept my view as I rose from my chair. A thumbs up from my advisor, a smile as he chewed his sub, and a sparkle in his eyes made me realize that it is true that I won the first place. The next 5 hours made all the difference to a unusually usual life. About 40 people interested not in my work, but on my resume as such were encountered, and discussed as such. A share of modesty had to keep my spirits working, and so I hitched to New Jersey across the river in one of the most awkward travels I ever encountered with a lovely friend from under grad, and her friend. The return was equally enthralling.
While the early day session seem to be blatantly the same, the nightlife at McGilligans restaurant seemed enticing. While, a few beers were exchanged among the advisors, and students, I ended up seeing the early-ug-life side of my advisor. While, I ended up ruing on the fact that I missed 'that one talk' I always attend year after year, just coz I had a crush on this Mid eastern girl, my advisor couldn't believe the fact that I did make a chariot conversation on research back in 07, while I had a chance to entirely socialize with her personally rather than business. Just built our student-advisor relationship a lil over the hedge.
A miraculous appearance of my cellphone charger, coffee with u g seniors with whom the past just seemed to screen before my eyes, a few nostalgic incidences, an unbelievable dash along the escalator in formals to catch up with this elderly Indian couple, whom I mistook for the parents of my early love, a catch to the past, a few smiles shed along the walk back to the room, when I witnessed a glimpse of innocent laughter from this kid who seemed to share the whiteness of a dear friend when she was a kid, a last minute animation added to the presentation, and finally a solitude moment of glory on the top of the hotel watching the polluting city shimmer the brightest of the stars to mere blur made me sleep late.
A happening morning, a suprised crowd count, a few big faces along the back row (now people want to know what's special about my work), my heart smiling at the fact that now I'm the one teaching and the major workheads are the last benchers, this slowly turning into a casual, to-the-earth friendly talk, a few words of wisdom exchanged, and finally a few shakehands ended up the conference on a high note. The rest of the day was a wait of wrath while visiting the country's history making spots, a tired out knee, half hour of sheer fun running along the stairs of Rocky, turning everyone into kids, monkeying around, and of course a few stones thrown at beautiful passerbys of the opposite sex killed my time. Finally, friends gathered, and the fun mood took control over life. A 3 hour tummy aching dumb C, and a few catching up made my eyes sleep with a sparkle.
An unbelievable mood of depression and anger set by the GPS, a visit to the Liberty statue which seems worthwhile to remain in memories, a drive to Atlantic City, a 90% strategy winning streak in Roulette, a 'let me take the risk' gamble near the end brought me a good profit. While, I lied a low probability profit to my friends, I had a reason to keep the number for a better cause. Acts of kinder garden children in the winter beach, an impromptu idea of gifting the kaleidoscope with which I played for hours before, 2 hours of roadside dancing to the boogies of 70's and 80's made me reach hyper. A reason, to stay awake, accompanied by a few catch up calls to India set friends, an acceptance of nostalgia, and a feeling of appraisal on how people take cautious but lovely pains to wake people was how the night translated into Sunday.
A well planned timed plan to reach Philly was thwarted by the Philly Marathon, a feel good point of view on the marathon slowly translating into words of 'why?', and finally a feeling of hatred made me go into shunt mode. I slowly put the blame on sleep deprivation of my friends and the situation at hand for their actions. While my attempts to keep them in good mood by making jokes about people who ran with funny costumes turned out to be a disaster, I started to love the concept of 'Patience'. A final bye to the already late friend, and a 'OK. Enough is enough with you guys. I'll take the initiative and route you before I blow my mind on selfish criticism' made me work as a traffic constable and take the car out of the already piled up traffic. An early arrival at the airport, an agape sleep in the waitline, a beautiful smile generated by a beautiful 3 month old baby, and a neck cranking travel back home made me hit the sack. A catch up dinner at Red Lobsters with my roomie, his rant on my absence on his magic show, a hard feeling of must watch the movie tonight, made me go too nostalgic. Ended up cursing myself for watching the movie.
A few disappointments of the things that went around, a feeling of being lost, made me really go into the academic self occupied mood. A sense of accomplishment, accompanied by a 2 hour musical concert of symphonies, made me stir my lachrymate in controlled joy, a question of 'what did I plan in life when I was a kid?' crashing from nowhere, followed up by a beautiful answer from the movie Dostana, to which we laughed our hearts out till night fell upon our beds. A final walk along the townside, and now the completion of the post keeps me wondering - 'What other strange yet simple things are gonna keep me happy?'
A beautiful blend of blemishing questions have been generated recently, and the new process of finding answers is really testing my mettle to accept the change. I have deserted the past in the belief of catching the future. Present seems so docile for now..... I might end up losing in the process towards success. But isn't that all life about? Winning after losing.....
The Sine Wave
A few hours later, as I saw the broken equipment, in the nearby lab, I was hit by a multitude of mirrored abstracts. As the various Roman roads of issues pointed all signs towards me, I realized, A poor man is definitely rich in solitude (Listen to Je realise by James Blunt). Guilt of losing respect towards the past in the chase for a future, sorrow in the disability towards a few mourning supporters, unacceptance of the fact of being let down, denial of political mentorship, deal of patient support, and above all - confiding towards the belief of chance, all makes me twist and crumble.
While the past methods of mirrored deceitful running had lost its magic, the new attempts of occupation has been futile at many an instance. The funny thing, that even bludgeons my mind to send a strong electric impulse to curve my lips is, my sine(270) waves are turning to impulses rather than troughs, that exist for mere minutes and not days like before. And to add, I know exactly how to shun them. While, this 'does' send strong remarks of hope, a short version of the potential-probable future sends shivers through my spine. Truth be told - I've never been so vulnerable, and I fear the fact that I know that truth.
Such a psycho I have turned to - I am laughing at the fact that, I've written a rant a.k.a appraisal in the most bizarre, twisted complicated way, which I won't even understand a few months after today. I need that same peace I witnessed in those 15 minutes of non belief but for a longer sine(90) stretch...... [Even a smiley seems to complicate my reason over here] =))