(An 'extreme gut' and 'everything points to it' feeling says that 'this' IS the turning point)
Me sailin ter yerr white deserrrt... Arrrrr!!
As it is well said, "Winter is never cold for those with warm memories"
As I crazily put, "Winter is never slippery for those who've already fallen in love (with the peaceful whiteness :P) and never dark for those who see stars in glistening ice"
(An image of 'myself pointing my forefinger over my right ear towards the right eye and rotating the finger' flashes as I finish this post....) ;)
The Last Word
Two days ago as I and my funny roomie watched an unusually funny yet seriously flawed movie, we ended up commenting something like this - "How come this guy always does music to movies where the heroine ends dying?" And somehow the small discussion after cascading into a comical banter had to end with me saying, "Unfortunately, sometimes heroines do die in reality too"
While I was reasoning in beta state the sudden silence that embarked the hall, I noticed a really sober and gloomy emotion on my friends face. Later it unveiled that he somehow took my comment as something related to my past. Life at the most unexpected moments curses you with incidents that remarkably change the way one changes towards the onset of a new life.
Seven Decembers ago, I lost Gowri, my first love of my life to an accident. In the passage of certain years to overcome and get over the loss, I was transformed heavily. Though the initial attempts were mere cases to rot into the pangs of nightmares, somehow the transformation from the curse was a blessing. Seven years might be a short period of ones lifetime, but these seven years forming the first half of my quarter life crisis made its impact both on the inner me and outer others.
On a light note, a few years ago my brother somehow read the details from my laptop and understood the reason for my zombie life and the care I showed towards his life. My mom had to end up believing that I grew mature enough to break up with Gowri, since she never knew anything. Dad during my last India trip understood that something was crucially wrong with me though he believed that I've grown better and fastly mature than he had expected. He extended his concern by frankly torturing me on an early morning walk and gave friendly advice on choosing a right girl (if I ever intend to do so by his terms :) Oh Dad...). Many friends of my college still make a joke about a term coined as 'guli' something that 'was' deeply important to me, I've shared enough details to a few close friends and many other a friends got a glimpse of my early love life. For some it is still a joke I cracked to tell them that certain things do happen in life. Well, real sorry to break your Santa Claus heart. You may never know the kind of things certain people have seen in their lives. Until that happens, enjoy your life as it can't be more perfect.
The important thing that happened over the recent years, is my acceptance on the mishap and the way life has to move on. Decembers for the last couple of years is all about happy memories, and the current life of raining stars. My good friend Duck who visited me recently said that, "This new Hari is = Old Hari + something - some fat & same old confidence to take risks" Those some things are what defines the next few years of my life. Today somehow I got an unexpected rain check of a remark from a new friend that "I'm immature and playful and kiddish" While these are the end function cases, the close mid ones still see me as the serious 'I can take more issues on hand' kinda guy.
Strangely I am the only one who knows and understands that every human is gifted equally the qualities to tackle or cherish the twists and gifts of life. Fortunate me, I've gone through phases and am quite sure I'll see more to come. I have all the many faces of my past. But at the moment, I am that immature playful kid I prefer to linger around with. Heck! that's what won the heart of Gowri in the first place nine years ago. Though I might and am forgetting the past moments that changed my present, I'll stick onto the past character of being the kid, with a little seriousness and maturity dormantly guiding me.
Today, right now, only for the moment, errrrr..... okay... the moment of me sleeping till morro morning I miss Gowri the most. Seven years of life somehow changed me tooooo much to NOT accept the concept of ghost or spirit or soul or etc or whatever of Gowri staying with me. Guess I've changed for good. Good enough to just kiddishly and immaturely be, that I dedicate the past seven years I could have had with her with this song...... Hope you can guide this new me into a better me.... Guli
A generations story on story telling
Unfortunately I fall under the nuclear family category devoid of the first generation protons (Errr.... I meant my grandparents who passed even before I was born. Actually even the secondary protons aka relatives that fall under the story tellers category were absent in my case). So I was never triggered into the chain reaction of fantasy land/imagination with bedtime stories. But, so far I was lucky enough to practice that reaction by fusing with my 2 year old nephew.
With the economy having its indirect effect on everyone, my brother and his family had to move to a nearby city seeking a better life, and so I had to miss testing bombs for future Hiroshimas and Nagasakis. Somehow my dad realized my bitterness on this issue and decided to throw his own atom bomb. Guess its enough to talk in terms of destruction. :D
Day before yesternight (is there an yesternight? curious me), I was heavily sedated, thanks to the meticuously overcautious fall of mine in the stairs (long story short - be careful and still you'll fall), and got extremely high. Thanks to the blissful overture, I ended up requesting my dad (after severe abstinence from mom inspite of my standards of torturing her. She'd make a good spy :D ) to tell me a bedtime story. Eventually dad decided to try out his skills on the art before the D day comes (D day refering to the day my nephew asks his 'grandpa' to narrate one).
He started with a donkey ruling the monkeys. Then he narrated the story so classically extravagant that I did see the way the background was set. Slowly, he traversed his story into modern day events like seeing trash on the road. Then, the monkey sees a mint, and after my dads effective story narration, I understood that the monkey picked the mint, offered to its master, popped the rejected mint into its mouth and with age grew into the human. It took 20 minutes for my dad to tell me that this is exactly how humans evolved. While the story was cool for a kid to believe, the age of experience kicked in the query of "What's with the mint and the evolution?" Thanks to the Bones-House MD-CSI-Big Bang Theory mind of mine, I figured it out to be a "Dimag ki batti jala de" story. Before I could check on the story and mock at dads originality he ended the story with a hilarious apology (he's got a style to it which I can never master :( ). Here is what he explained to me as a bed time story.
Overall rating on my dads skills:
Originality: 0.5/5 (Remake)
Creativity: 1/5 (All he used was Mint rather than Mentos)
Background score: 4.5/5 (He guided me exactly with the right kind of music I need to think of as he narrated the scenes)
Lighting & Camera work: 5/5 (Dude!! I did the imaginative thinking. So its good)
Dialogues: 4/5 (He gave punch dialogues. Typical Andhra style.. Jai Chennakesava :D )
Editing: 2.5/5 (There was no follow up in the scenes. But can't help it. Coz it would take hrs to keep me satisfied)
Direction: 6/5 (My daddy Strongest :D :P )
Audience Response: Great! Must Do from dads around the world. Slept good - might be the sedative which kicked in. :D
Off stories and onto reality: I survived todays complex sinuous schedule of experiments and meetings with my Blackberry. It kept on beeping reminders every 15 minutes (If I'd written the complex algorithm of sample measurements, analysis, expt, UG work, reports, meetings, I would have consumed 3 pages just to keep myself understand the nomenclature of the algorithm). Today nearly after 2 years I woke up minutes before my alarm coo'ed (no dream like last time) and got ready for work. Guess, after all I haven't lost the ancient art of keeping myself ready for the situation. I am thinking of taking the next step with my lab - to keep a toothpaste and brush in my office desk just to make sure I move in to the lab a few months from now.
Snips & Snails & Puppy Dog Tails
I woke up from this dream all excited and cursed myself for just saying a Hi. The rest was all laughing hilariously at dreams being just dreams, and all smiles for a few thoughts that hit my cranium. I ended up narrating this to my roomie with 'This' as the background score and we both ended up laughing our stomachs out.
Truth be told, I get such happy-feel-good dreams only when I'm scared. Guess cooties it is then after all. (The first glimpse of a doubt, on the origins of a mistake seems to be slowly unfolding. I'm screwed for the rest of my life. Yikes!!!!!)
How NOT so f***en true. All those so called greats never defined the term 'moment'. For me the moment seems to be a lieftime and is eating my brains out. I wish, I knew where to go for help.
Never Liked It
This post is a dedication to one such stranger I met during the first winter in the States. It was on a similar day as today, extremely cold in the negative 20 celsius' as I returned for Lunch from my class. This stranger is no other than my neighborhood postman - in his early 50s. fighting the winter delivering messages. A heaven struck friendly conversation and respect for age was all that was needed to bridge the bond of understanding between two strangers.
In a few weeks of interaction, he understood that something was not right with me. He knew my pain, and we eventually ended up talking for some minutes on the doorstep. As I asked about how he does it (his work of delivering mails in the cold winter days?) I learned something from him. He joined the New Orleans postal department when he was 16. He spent the first year of his job delivering emergency telegrams. The telegrams he carried were from the United States Army mourning and respecting the deaths of various soldiers of rank, class, race, and creed.
His job was simple - Travel through the interiors of various small towns in his bicycle, knock on the door, wait for the lady of the house to come and open the door, look into her eyes and pick up the telegram from the bag he carried, show it to the lady who by now understood she just lost her husband or her son or father or brother in war, use the other hand to remove the hat off his head, see the tears, see the widows go broken hearts and faint/sit on the floor/hug in shock, control his emotions, give them a consoling pat on their back, hand them their respective telegrams, go numb on their status, turn back, walk straight back to the bicycle, check the next address, and carry on. These might not be the exact words he used that day, but this is exactly what he addressed to me that day. But there is one thing he said to me that I'll never forget. "On a funny note, I once ended up on the doors of a tall brunette of my age. She cried as she opened up the door. It took me several minutes to assure her that I was there asking for directions to a different address. That's how I met my wife"
I moved out of that apartment the following February. Every year, I encounter a winter so cold, that I always get a glimpse of his face and the way he finished the sensitive conversation. Today was the coldest day of the year so far, and my memories deserted me on his warmth. Call it coincidence, today I watched "We were soldiers" and from it I got reminded of him. The postman in the movie told, "I never liked it ma'am" in a scene. My stranger never told me anything about his feelings outside the delivery step. I wonder if he ever hated for becoming a postman? At times of hardships, there is always strangers and their lives or dedications to put trust on to. Somehow they form the patch of remedies for the wounded little moments in life. To all those strangers who directly and indirectly served humanity as such, I salute. And also the soldiers of different countries who died for a cause, a cause to protect the brother fighting beside him.
On a deviating mood:
1. One of my forgotten childhood mentors calls me up at 3 in the morning and says me this, "Remember cricket? Life is not a gentlemans game. Remember it."
2. A well sought senior, who somehow seems to fit in my list of rolemodels says, "Keep it simple now. Life gets more complicated ahead."
3. And my cousin sister says, "It will change coz you'll be changed by then. That's life"
I wondered a few great minutes on these notes and had to die out of any plausible morbidness of what's bound to happen. I get my creeps when a few thoughts of a quite possible future throws limelight about the state of my then mind. I guess I'll also join the league of those cult believers who say the World is gonna end on the 21st of December 2012 (minus the cult belief in my case). Life seems to run at peace if you think theres no next year (atleast I can achieve the best this year).
Well, anyway signing off thinking of the work I need to finish before the year ends. Chow....
A sons philosophical lecture to the father enroute to boredom.
A childhood photo brings a smile in the absence of the adults smile.
A passionate diffidence towards the confidence of brutality.
Consistent dark sight of a non ambling light.
And of course to sum up, A smiling post mistaken for a rant.... :P :D
A dash to the vending machine as I dunked the gloves and flip-folded my lab coat on the way, reminded me of the potential failure of the experiment, if I don't make it back in 2 minutes to turn on the nitrogen purge. There! I was standing, hands on hips, eyes starring on the multitude of chocolate bars, and candy down the rows. A slight elevation of the angled sight revealed, "Aah Come On!!!! No chips today? Only chocolates?"
Running back in disbelief, I decided to ditch the idea and carry on with the experiment. As I turned the Nitrogen valve, my guts twisted equivalently a grumble of extreme pain. With enough discussion and quarrel going between the two sides of the conscience, I skipped the concept of Yuck and Pffbbt, and ran back to the vending machine hoping for a miraculous presence of something, anything other than chocolate. Disappointed with my expectation, I scanned through the wordings in the chocalate bars to find something interesting. Pause..... Almonds - "More almonds than the regular chocolate bar" hit my eye.
"Here goes" and I ratta tattled the collection of red dimes and nickels through the slot. Mr. Vending Machine gulped the red change, and sparkled his eyeful display. The display waited for me to press E3. With my stomach zombieing towards my other organs, I had no choice but to press E3.
'Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr............ & Tat............'
My eyes just popped in disbelief and "Aah Come On" blurted out of my mouth. The almond bar just got sidened to the spiral. It didn't make the fall. As my brain reprocessed critical information such as "It's 5:15 pm and it's Friday. And data collection awaits your presence", I had no other option but to go soccer style. My leg almost pummeled the vending machine that I remembered the famous Pepsi commercial that used to be replayed during Cricket games (remeber the Aussies breaking their leg trying to kick the vending machine). Deciding not to risk the jumping jack leg, I went totally rocky style.
A bang here and a bang there, and a bang bang everywhere. Nothing seemed to move the almond bar of its meditation. With the stomach volcanoing smoke through my ears, and my neurons all firing towards the experiment in risk, All hell broke loose. A really hard, close fisted punch made me go "Ouuuuccchhhhhhh!!!!" The ouch went as long as the time taken for the pain to creep into my knuckles.
After a couple of seconds of chilling my temper by focussing on the almond bar, I gave a really hard kick on the machine. The rest was all in slow motion..... The vending machine, shook in vibration, all the way to the spiral rack. The bar shook a bit, and slowly dived into the chasm of the vending exit with the elegance of Michael Phelps.
Hurray!!!!! and my heart tapped many a step in my mind. With the success smile spreading cheese all over my cold dried lips, I bent and pushed the vending machine pick up flap door.
"Thud!" and it hit the rack in its designed format, and it was all that was needed to drop a kit kat which I assume was also in the verge of "I'm falling away, with you"
I picked up both the chocolate bars, unwrapped the wrappers, took a bite of the almonds and walked in a style so clear of pain that Rey my lab senior and a good friend of mine walking towards the loo, just told in his African accent, "Oh Ha(h)ri! That's a quul step"
I smiled at him and said, "It's called, kick the vending machine step" As I walked closer to the lab, I realized that the pain in the toe was excruciating enough for me to finish the almond bar with no flinch of the taste buds triggering the yuck and pffbbt reactions.
Rey came back after some time and demanded some grooves on the lab floor coz he needed a break from his thesis work. The last time he danced was on the shores of the Atlantic on a cold casino night. He showed me a cool step which he called, "Kick my broken car" and my tummy ached again not with hunger but with laughter.
I wish I can screw up the insomniac in me.....
Okay Okay... I know that the grass is extremely blue at your end (Sheesh.... Go get a break Mr. Workaholic). I'll try to cheer you up with something.
Mmmmmmm.... Hmmmmmmmmm...... (scratch scratch on my head).... Errrrrrr..... Mmmmmmm..... Crappppp!!!!! Nothing of the recent past seems enticing enough to be remembered as an interesting event. Choose the best among the list, and I'll write a post on it.
1. Got a glare from a 6 year old girl for reading her favorite comic among the pile of other comics for 2 hours. (Gone are the days of novel reading. It's Comic strips now a days)
2. Watched a movie with a friend All Alone in a 1500 seater theatre. (And the movie was good)
3. Resolutions. My Foot!!! That's the new resolution for 09. :D
4. Devicing a plan to total my car. (Long story short - call me, coz we need to discuss on the ideas)
5. Had a couple of months of food supplies hogged in less than a week (Getting ready for the hibernation I guess)
6. Had the first glimpses of 'I missed you Hari' EVER, and it was freakishly scarrrrryyyyyyy....
7. Life is going anti-dejavued. Meaning, I lived two days of life hallucinating that I did wish a bunch of close ones a warm new year. It ain't easy to convince people that you didn't forget, but you were hallucinating of greeting them. :(
8. Gained a few pounds over this new year - thanks to the unlimited hogging and binging and of course slouching.
Ah!!!! here is something interesting finally. I'm addicted to this song which I proclaim to be the official anthem for 09. The lyrics is WOW...
Two things pop up in my mind for new year.
(I) 09's A/F
(II) The only question that puts all my thoughts in place for this year is, "Will I?" OR IS IT "Will I ever?" Mind that the question I am talking about is not the will I part, but the OR IS IT part. (Oops, sounds psycho ranting..... Escaapeeeeeeeeee...............)