A lot happening now a days....
I had been preparing for reaching the end line of a dream run for the past two years and the time came this month. As I always say, the one luck I have is bad luck, favored my fate to quit on reaching the end line for another year because of personal and family reasons. But as my past has churned me in not giving up, made me take an alternate route to reach the goal a little earlier. Now all I need to do for the next two weeks is to concentrate, travel more distances and work hard to earn my degree.
This month has really betrayed me a lot. Friends mistaking my attitude, my concern for them and even mistaking my friendship as a route for relationship. Had no other idea, but to quit being close with them. Personal fluctuations both here and back in India is really burdening me a lot now a days. I had crossed the stage of blaming God and asking Him ‘Why me?’ to a stage, where I don’t believe in the existence of God. Now all I believe is I don’t believe in God. But that doesn’t make me forget God. I just don’t believe in prayers now a days. Financially I am doing great. Being in 3 committees and taking care of the money has really helped me learn the art of green rotation. My bank account shows that am a millionare in student terms. But in paupersome language I still hold the cadet position. Some way or the other I find a route to get things done now a days and I don’t like being like this.
My back has really killed me finally. Things were jargoned by the doc about the muscle, and my spine and all I can understand is, I am done for finally. Had some emergence expenses because of it and I am now more than broke. Because of it, I had to quit doing simple things which give me true happiness like watching the sky everytime I go out, basking in the sun, sunrise, sunset, climbing stairs in steps of two (Now I fell good when I see an elevator), reading books, dancing in my lab with Reynolds with my lab coat and gloves on, jogging when I am late (so need to be punctual now), and a lot. I had to fake some smiles, among friends so that I can still make their requests filled. Screwed up some good opportunities on the field, but I am much improved and that’s what brought me the opportunity on the first place.
Certain odd moments have really made me realize that I should quit on lunch and save that money for an important day in my life. Been tormented with the smiles of many friends asking me to organize a trip on the weekends and being melted in that state got no other opportunity but to help them out. The strange thing is if I go with one group the other set feels bad. So need to coerce them in accepting the situation. Need to organize 4 more trips to different groups of ppl. This is one moment when I feel bad in having so many ppl looking forward for something special from me.
A lot has been really troubling me both physically and emotionally and Big Ben my friendly neighborhood tree has taken all the burden from me. Had spent at least 13 hrs at late nights walking in Lexington all alone forgetting things. Had lost my thoughts once and wandered in the center of Nicholasville with trucks honking at me. Had spent two nights on the grass of Youngs sleeping on the open. Now a days I believe, I got no other option but to keep walking the hard race of life. I don’t know what the future holds up for me and I believe I made a mistake of troubling others for my life. Though I am having so much emotions building up to erupt, I still am the same old kid who wants to keep miseries on the side and just have fun. I guess its high time for my life to have its turning point. Whatever it is going to be, I shall be what I am……
Only He Knows me
In the alley of emptiness;
Cloaked by nightfall,
I was the meandering stray cat;
I felt a sense of success.
I was to myself;
None seemed to follow,
In the eternity of darkness;
Even my shadow deserted.
Then came the voice;
I realized I can never be alone,
With him around me;
For the eternity to my grave .
He called himself as conscience;
My best friend of patience,
And my worst enemy;
Who stayed as me.
I had a life of pimple;
Whose plot was simple ,
There was mighty joy and sorrow ;
He brought me life for tomorrow.
A conscience worth keeping;
Laughing and sometimes weeping ,
Advising me of options;
If not of emotions.
I believed in him alone;
If not shall be true to none,
Learnt to take sufferings with a smile;
Coz that’s all I had for a while.
Happiness he asked me to share;
Sufferings he asked me to care,
Both hated the word anger;
Our mistake made it danger.
My cell rings might be of twenty three;
But he is of generations three,
He, the childish trouble;
He, also the legendary fable.
Thanks to him;
Now I have friends,
Of multiple personality;
I am never to myself.
He brought back light;
And the shadow too,
Off goes the stray cat;
And here comes a new mate.
Freaking laughing for everything
Even google failed on me. I dont know why I am laughing now as I type... I guess I have passed the stage of worrying for simple stuff. Partially I am happy that I have taken the situation lighthearted, but a faint of fear still exists of what would be that incident which would make me walk again all alone at the center of Nicholasville??
I wish google can help me out before I decide to quit. Wish I can quit saying yes.... I wish I can freak out.... I miss the good ol days.... Its 4 30 in the morning and I dont want to sleep.. I am what I am without which the world is something else.....