Indian Ameri

Wednesday

The Sine Wave

Was it a mistaken fortune or a fortunate mistake that brought me to the steps of the local shrine, I don't know. But, those 15 minutes of perfect blankness, was the most intimate level of peace, I've had in months. Though, I never imposed the concept of atheism through words nor through reason, for the first time, from the heart, I want to go ahead on the streets and shout, "Try being a non believer for a day". But, not everything that your heart feels can be shouted :-) All my previous encounters of God, concept of religion, etc were all questions of mere confusion, of laughter, of reason, and most times, in relation to what's the future without God? But, today, things were different. I was different. While words and analogies can describe my feeling, I better zip it to myself, to force (unfortunately curiosity can be used as a force) the concept of 'trial of non belief'.

A few hours later, as I saw the broken equipment, in the nearby lab, I was hit by a multitude of mirrored abstracts. As the various Roman roads of issues pointed all signs towards me, I realized, A poor man is definitely rich in solitude (Listen to Je realise by James Blunt). Guilt of losing respect towards the past in the chase for a future, sorrow in the disability towards a few mourning supporters, unacceptance of the fact of being let down, denial of political mentorship, deal of patient support, and above all - confiding towards the belief of chance, all makes me twist and crumble.

While the past methods of mirrored deceitful running had lost its magic, the new attempts of occupation has been futile at many an instance. The funny thing, that even bludgeons my mind to send a strong electric impulse to curve my lips is, my sine(270) waves are turning to impulses rather than troughs, that exist for mere minutes and not days like before. And to add, I know exactly how to shun them. While, this 'does' send strong remarks of hope, a short version of the potential-probable future sends shivers through my spine. Truth be told - I've never been so vulnerable, and I fear the fact that I know that truth.

Such a psycho I have turned to - I am laughing at the fact that, I've written a rant a.k.a appraisal in the most bizarre, twisted complicated way, which I won't even understand a few months after today. I need that same peace I witnessed in those 15 minutes of non belief but for a longer sine(90) stretch...... [Even a smiley seems to complicate my reason over here] =))

posted by Hariharasudhan Cd at Wednesday, November 12, 2008

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