Kal Ho Na Ho?
After infinite requests from good pals, often cry from my mom, often advices from my dad and ever shouting foul language from my bro I decided to visit the doctor regarding my weight loss. Went to meet Dr. Volk today morning. He asked me, ‘Reason for ur visit?’ I said, ‘Am (not true, its others) concerned with my weight loss in the past 6 months’ His face was like, ‘Dude are u crazy? U look normal to me.’ And asked few more questions, etc, checked my BP, pulse, doughed my tummy for possible organs troubles, etc and finally gave me a comment ‘U look normal to me, must have been the dietary change which made u lose weight. Just in case lemme ask you to take some tests regarding the levels of Thyroid in ur body’ I took it cool and was saying internally, ‘Ya! This should have been India and I would have said no, but who cares, now I have insurance’. Spent like an hour in the hospital going for all the tests and after that came out of the hospital.
This might be crazy for readers, but what went through my mind is real funny (or should I say concerned to an excess). As soon as I saw the outside world, my eyes gazed the sky as usual and then I thought, ‘What would happen if I really had a problem? My dad had thyroid problems when I was a kid. Y worry, now medicine is so advanced that thyroid can be treated easily. Do I have the money to do it? Hey am in US, got my dept paying for insurance. What if it doesn’t work out? Then just lose hope and do ur job. But how can I live without anyone concerned abt my life? Hey come on! U guess ur gonna say it in a radio? Forget informing anyone what happens to ur health. What would I do if I really start dying? Eventually you would die Hari. Just do your job and leave the world. What if I die say in 5 years? Then go have fun till that time.. No no, do your work harder and finish what u meant to be here for. How would I keep myself isolated from the world? Just sleep in the day, work at nights when none watches u suffer. Save ur salary for family use. Give all money to parents and ask them to forgive u and ask them to take care of bro. What would I say to my girl friend? (immediately smiling) Ahem! Which girl friend are we talking about? (not that I have many, it means I have none that close). I should call Nitin and ask him to continue on my research and find something worthful for the world. I should call Anand and say to him, ‘I am sorry. I need to leave u bud and thanks for being with me in thick and thins of my US life’. I should convince my friends Sameer and Bandi to take life serious and come up in life as great people instead of just living a life just like any other Indian in US. I should call all my Indian friends before I depart and ask them to meet me at least once.’ All kinds of crap went on like this for a while.Then I was crossing Funkhouser building and I saw this group of children being walked towards OHR. I went behind them and was enjoying every moment of their innocent life. Fortunately I went with them in the elevator (one floor down). I realized what stupidity was I thinking? What if I have a disease, I still have time to live. I can make a change around me. I am called a crazy guy by most friends but I believed in one sentence. ‘People doing things different are called in two names – Crazy or Legendary’ I would prefer dying with the latter name over my grave. So lemme just forget about any crap and just focus on my work. Who knows I might find something good before I depart (some day or the other I need to go to hell if am crazy or to heaven if am a legend). This is a world filled with people, with busy people, with worried people, with selfish people (no offense). They would remember you for a week if I die normal. But they would worship u if u die after achieving something. Lemme just go for the achievement. Sat in my lab and gave my heart and mind into my AFM files. Played serious with the software and to my surprise got awesome results. Now am getting my name in a paper. To make things better, itunes was playing the song ‘Har Ghali badal rahi hai’ from Kal ho na ho. What a timing?? Just need to find that Pretty woman… :) PS Lance Armstrong has cancer. Why worry?
Play with your heart and not with your mind!
It’s been my quality while playing badminton (and now racquetball) that when I see my opponent dive or stretch forward and makes an attempt to get the game running, I forget myself and return them with a lollipop which eventually is a big mistake in any game. I don’t know why, but my heart appreciates their effort and to make things better for them I make it easier for them. It had never been the case when I fall down and take a shot. Actually I like it that way. Yesterday I dove forward, hit my right knee real hard on the platform, watched the ball being hit hard towards the right corner, got up from my lying position, ran around the player (a good friend Abhay), chased the ball in the air towards the rear wall, dove again, hit the ball as a follow through and cleared the shot. Thanks to my ever injured right knee, I hit the wall real hard and to my surprise, Abhay gave a lollipop. I was happy on one side that he understood my pain and on the other side, ‘man I can take more of this game’ feeling. Then he appreciated my effort. We both smiled at each other. I had been diving in all sports now a days and injuring myself real hard. Am so experienced with diving now that I roll over like a buffoon in a carnival. He never gets injured. I feel better to lose using my heart rather than winning a game with my mind. I can do the latter anytime coz mind games aren’t tough for me. Good news! My knee survives the on slaughter…. Bad news am going to India and don’t know how am gonna continue this game…. But diving is good to go.
Neil Gaiman and his perspective on love
Was browsing on a break from my usual work and all of a sudden I went into this site filled with quotes and only quotes. I gave search on many common words and as any jobless grad student, searched for quotes on love and this one really impressed me. IT was said by Neil Gaiman, a comic writer of America. Here is the quote:
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
I liked the way he pointed at the kind of people one falls for. They are just like any other person. An everyday kind of a person. But why is it one sees something special in them. In fact humans are different one way or the other. Everyones unique. But why that person seems the most unique in life? My break's getting over. So Adios.......
Silence answers a lot
1. Yesterday spoke on phone with my dad. He was mentioning about the schedule we are gonna have when I return to India. Being himself he had planned too many temples at the top of the list. I told him that I would be going here between temple visits, do this and do that, etc. He asked me, 'How the hell are you gonna do it? You will be tired when you return from Sabarimalai and Tirupathi' I replied, 'Dad you have no clue how much I have changed after coming here. I can do anything now a days. I don't run as if I pour hot water in my legs, I run as if I have Hydrochloric acid' He gave a smirk and went silent. I was waiting for some response and only after some time I realized that he was proud about the fact that I turned into a busy man and that I can manage life well. There was no words from me too. We both cherished the moment in silence for atleast a minute untill mom broke the silence asking my dad, 'Why are you smiling and not speaking a word?' That was a wonderful feeling. I was proud that I made my dad proud.
2. During my San Francisco trip: There was this pretty half American half Chinese lady. She was standing in Lex airport. I was watching her go through security check. Once it was done she went near the escalator and dint go in it. She waited for a while. I noticed her watching for someone. I saw her for a while. I too went for security check and cleared security check. Was wearing my shoes and other stuff and thats when I noticed tears in her eyes. Suddenly her eyes sparkled and I noticed a man waving to her. She waved and the waving stopped soon. Both froze and they spoke with their eyes. I wondered first why can't she just call her using her cell phone. But then realized some connections are beyond technology.
3. Going way back to my first sem in USA. Went to Qdoba for the first time. Never have I gone to eat outside in 2 months. Went and saw this line in front of me. As the line moved I noticed that the mexican lady asked the customer questions like 'How are you doing, etc' When I went there she asked me, "What would you take?" I said Burrito - Chicken. After getting the Tortilla, she asked me "which of these do you want?" Thats when I realized, she din't ask the gentleman how he was. She was asking what he wanted. After all the hulchul I was finally happy and went to the counter. There the cashier asked, "To go or here?" Din't understand what he asked and remained silent. After a couple of seconds he understood why I was silent and he showed me in sign language what to go and here meant. I finally said here. Then once I got my glass for water I wondered where the hell is the water is and stood beside him and dint wanna disturb him coz he was lookin at the next customer. He saw me, and silently showed me the way to the drinks section with his eyes. That was real funny.
4. Going way back during my childhood. I was going with my parents and bro to a shopping mall. My bro saw this action figure which he considered as a demiGod. His face brightened and he turned to my mom. My mom gave him a stare and he instantly went gloom. No words guys. No words just looks. I was a kid but I did notice the difference in reaction. He bowed his head and was silent till he saw dad coming towards him. He never had the guts to face dad as dad was hard on him (actually dad was hard so that he can be great in life). Then dad came near him and stood in front of him. He was silent. My bro waited a while and then realized that dad purposefuly stood there. He lifted his head and looked at dad. Dad dint speak a word and just smiled. Even now I don't know how these two cat mouse personalities understood silence, that my bro instantly was back to full swing mood. Back home that evening my mom noticed the same action figure in my bro's hands. She din't question him but just turned towards my dad walking into the hall. She gave a tough look. Dad just smiled. It meant a lot to me. I was really little at that time. But such incidences doesnt need age to understand what actually happened.
5. Coming back to school: There was this day in which I was walking past a corridor and noticed that there was a group of students shouting about an ongoing fight. I went and peeped through the crowd. To my astonishment saw my best friends being involved in a feud with some fellow from another class. I went and fought with the guy and pushed him from my friend. Then he shouted at me, "He stole my stencils" I yelled back, "He is my friend. He wouldn't do it" and again we fought for a while. After a couple of beatings and poundings I realized that I was the only one fighting against the guy. I stopped and searched for my buddy. To my horror noticed my class teacher standing there. You know what would have happened after that. After all the punishment, I came out or the head masters room and found my buddy standing there. I went to him and asked, "Are you OK?" (I guess this was the first time I asked that question which I now often ask most friends) He din't reply. I asked him a couple of questions. But no answer. After like 5 mins of asking questions, I saw tears in his eyes. I asked him why he was crying. He din't say a word, just remained silent with his face watching the earth. I realized why he was silent and why he was crying. I sat on my knees looked at his eyes and had a questioned look. He then took the stencil from his pocket and showed it to me. I put my hands on his shoulder and then we walked for class. It was like 2 mins walk to class. That 2 mins we were just silent. But those 2 mins made us understand what we really were. That silence has remained in me till yesterday. We lost touch with each other as he had moved out of school. Yesterday I got a call from a person and guess what once he said his name I dint speak. Both were silent for a while. Some words are better kept silent.. Some words are.........
1. When I step up over a curb from a road I don't just walk, I hop over it.
2. I keep my left leg as a force lever when I pull the spring doors and while doing it I move my left feet in a scoop action to avoid any hit with the door.
3. When I know the lyrics of a song entirely, I don't sing. Instead I whistle.
4. Whenever I go in an elevator which has a window to view outside I always watch something at the top and my eyes follow it the entire journey - be it up or downwards.
5. When I feel that someones calling at my back, I just don't turn I make a complete 360 degree turn, that too in a 3 step style.
6. When I ride my bike and if I see a pit or a bump on the road which I need to cross over, I try jumping over it by giving a heave to the handlebar.
7. When I play any game which requires stretching, I usually keep my left leg in the front to stretch and sometimes I even fall without worrying about any injuries.
8. Whenever I meet someone elderly on the way and if I wear a cap, I catch the tip of it to give them respect. (Thats a strange manner I had developed)
9. Whenever I think 'What the hell am I doing?' or 'What crap?' or 'That was silly' etc (I think you got the point of what am trying to mention) ,without my knowledge I use my right hand as a gun and point it at my forehead and shoot myself. If its real silly and if I feel real stupid I shoot myself multiple times.
10. The first thing I notice at outdoors is the sky.
11. If I see a mail when I open my mailbox to compose a mail to my guide (specifically), I check the mail and then I log off. Then I curse myself (shoot again) and then shall send the mail.
12. This one trait has been with me for the past 11 years. When I listen to class or someone talking and if I hold a pen, then I just rotate the pen with my fingers non stop. (This is one reason I stick on to my Beta Parker coz it doesn't leak like other refills)
13. As I had pointed out in an earlier blog I climb two stairs at the same time, and do the same when I climb down too. Its pure involuntary.
Thats all I can remember in 2 hours time. If I feel or find more, shall update you guys.
Think involuntary guys think involuntary
Who am I?
Disclaimer: This blog might reveal most peoples comments on my life and the result of reading this blog is, u can either hate me completely or u can like me a lot. If it’s the latter plz proceed. If not just forget reading this blog.
It’s been two weeks since I had blogged. U might think that I had been busy with my life, with my birthday, with my research, with friends, with play, etc. U guessed wrong. I had been isolated from my usual routine life. And who isolated me? Of course 'I myself' did it.
And what was the result? Confusion... Just confusion.... I was thinking what kind of a person I am... Let me put my character as whole to this blog.
Since I am confused with my life am gonna put in bullets format (clear on that). All points start with the words ‘I am considered as a …’ and the Following sentence starts with the words ‘But lil did they know that….’ Hope u guys don’t get confused over my life.
- … an immature kid by my parents when I venture out. … I do it for their care.
- … mature son by my parents when the family faces trouble. … I fake being mature so that they can share their burdens on me.
- … an unfortunate son by my relatives, facing family problems. … I like being driven so that I can churn out to be someone great in the future.
- … a lovable brother who tackles all the problems. … I do it so that I can be treated as a friend and not as a brother.
- … an example child to my relatives. ... I want them to learn from my parents on how to raise a child.
- … a good friend whom u can depend when someone needs help. … I crave for the same kind of a friendship from some at least.
- … sarcastically pungent guy by most girls. … I never hurt their feelings in a chat or in person.
- … Crazy guy looking at my odd status messages in yahoo and google. … I express my feelings to the world around me.
- … a legend by some fans on the other side of the globe looking at the same status message. … I believe that if ones unique, he’s either crazy or a legend.
- … a lazy fellow who doesn’t speak much in the phone. … I maintain my silence to listen to their laughter and emotions.
- I was considered a fun loving hardworking employee back in
. But lil do they realize that I do it coz I don’t feel like am working. India
- … big time procrastinator by my mentors. … I follow a timetable specific to get results (I have been working for the past 1 year and both my advisor and me thought that we had got negative results. But only now both realized that we had been doing things right and its just that we had been ignorant). Now he values my work.
- … photographer who sleeps with his camera. … I look out for that one shot which describes me and my confusion.
- … leader by my juniors and my mates. … I depend entirely on my team to achieve the target.
- … hard martinet in a team. … my shouting is a cause to teach them and even myself on how a team works.
- … guy who advices on everything to anyone. … I refresh myself with these advices so that I consider them as principles.
- … guy who peeks into everyone’s life. … I wish everyone in this world weren’t filled with burdens like me.
- … music lover. … I listen to music only to forget my miseries.
- … guy who guesses and spits the story in a theatre. … I want them to think outside the box and that the director talks to us in every scene.
- … loser by my foes when I don’t object. But lil do they know that my silence is a way of planning.
- … coward by my foes when am silent. But lil do they know that I respect their character and skills and learn the goods from them.
- … a guy who thinks he only has problems. … I am surviving only coz I believe that everyone’s got problems.
- … winner coz of sheer luck. … I work when no ones watching.
- … who likes to work alone. … I hate others doing my daily stint of work.
- … guy who doesn’t sleep enough. … I do it so that I can doze off immediately when I go to bed thereby keeping my mind off all burdens which visit me when I lie in my bed.
- … ‘keep the room clean’ freak. … I do it to improve my optimizing skills.
- ... guy who spends too much time in the shower. … I plan and schedule my day in the shower.
- … weakling when it comes to games. … I play more games of interest and I do shine when I play for a while and that I don’t need a coaching manual.
- … shy person coz I don’t talk often. … my silence is a wait for the right timing when it matters the most.
- … gem born in the wrong family. … I was shined by my parents experience and lovely advices.
- … freak who rides his bicycle at -12 degree Celsius. … I do it to heat up my body.
- … risk taking person when I drive my bike with no hands. … I feel like a bird at that time and love the freedom to fly.
- … workaholic who has 8 home made frappuccinos in a single night. … it contains 90% milk 5% water and the rest coffee so that I can sleep (lactic acid from the mild).
- … fervent religious person who follows only Hinduism. … my first religion has always been humanity and I like learning other religions too.
- … Starbucks lover. … I have only 2 varieties of ‘milk’ in Starbucks.
- … guy who calls ppl often with their names. … most senior ppl like being called with their names.
- … guy who follows physical contact in a meeting (like patting at the back). I maintain a better understanding of the person’s emotions with their body language after the pat.
- … guy who hates touching girls for no reason. … I was taught to be a gentleman with them.
- … guy who doesn’t say a ‘hi’ to a friend in the early morning. … I hate invading ones privacy in their bedroom.
- … guy who shouts ‘Whats up?’ whenever I see someone. … it brings a smile in most ppl’s faces.
- … guy who wears a cap to cover my bad hair. … I do it so that someone can notice me in a crowd and call me.
- … sentimental creep who sticks on to the beta parker pen, be it broken even. ... I treat it as the sole pen pal whom I can really trust.
- … guy who believes in luck. …I read my luck at the end of the day and laugh at it coz everyday there is a positive and a negative and definitely u can relate the trivial luck to any of the incidents.
- … show off coz I speak about my daily life. … if I don’t they think I am shy and boring.
- … pain in the ass when I ask new questions. … I want them to gain new knowledge thinking about the new questions.
- … guy who spends lavishly buying gifts for friends. … gifts and memories live even when the friend departs.
- … guy who drives my car with risk. … I learn concentration and control over my life by driving under risky control.
- … guy who is not good with his finances just coz my bank balance is near nil. … I spend all my money for my brother and that I maintain a daily basis XL sheet which controls my finances.
- … guy who takes mockery lightly. … if I find that mockery is common from many ppl, I take it as a defect and try correcting it.
- … nut cracker who goes and offers himself to the guys for birthday bumps. … that’s a strategy which prevents further damaging rounds of bumps.
- … fervent nail biter. … I do it only when I think deep.
- … guy who doesn’t learn the tricks of a trade. … instead I like learning the trade.
- … erratic dancer who dances mostly in the house. … it is one thing I do correctly when left alone and I hate memories of my childhood when I did stage performances.
- … guy who watches a lot of movies and cartoons. … my knowledge of science and technology came from them and not from books.
- … guy who plagiarizes quotes. … the current generation likes advices from celebrity angles and not from a common man.
- … guy who plays chess with himself. … I don’t stop something good just coz of the reason I don’t have a partner.
- … guy who plays racquetball seriously. … I do it to improve my footwork and hand eye coordination for my cricket season.
- … guy who likes cooking. … I do it for my end years when I shall be left alone in solitude.
- … guy who doesn’t feel the chill in the air. … some chills of emotions in life are colder than natures cold.
- … crazy fellow when I finish a chat with the words ‘Over N Out’. … the end note brings a smile on most peoples face.
- … a patriotic guy by most Americans. … I mutually learn the goods from the
culture too. US
- … a smart fun loving guy by Chinese friends. … I do it so that I can learn their ways of hard work.
- … a challenging jovial person by a
friend. … I push him to express his talents. Ghana
- … a sportive soccer player by some European guys. … it’s the one language which makes people interact.
- … fervent patriot by most Indians. … I am behaving normal and that they miss the point that they had changed.
- … guy who is always filled with friends. … I don’t have any best friends coz I don’t commit to anyone that easily.
- … one who likes being with friends. … I isolate myself when I am filled with emotions coz I hate others becoming sad for my misery.
- … one who advices others to share emotions. … I don’t follow this one advice of my own.
- … one who has only fun in life. … I protect a burden which goes only with me to my grave.
- … who is clear about this blog. … am confused to a level that I am saying about my life to others openly which can be very dangerous.
If you had read till this point then I salute u. Now tell me what kind of a person am I? Am I worth being myself?? Or should I change myself so that I can fit this competitive world??