Indian Ameri

Monday

A lot happening now a days....

The long winter hibernation has finally ended and I finally emerge out of my inactivity. The so called poetry has taken much of my emotions out to the fabricated world. Thought that sometimes I should blog too. This one’s on my last week, which had sapped the enthusiasm in me completely. It’s had been an incredibly boring week and to add to the woes, my back pain reached its pinnacle of troubling my daily life. Most of the active gang which kept me pretty occupied was buried in their own misery of finals week. So I had to switch from the alpha state and go to the old state of keeping myself on my toes. Since my experiments were relatively pushing me to the bed, I had to keep my mind off for some time. Further the ever blaming world needed me to be the scapegoat on several occasions the past two weeks, and I accepted it to keep the integrity firm. Whatever I thought of achieving in this form has turned treacherous to me. Yet, by doing some acts of bravery I had regained the respect I had earlier.
I had been preparing for reaching the end line of a dream run for the past two years and the time came this month. As I always say, the one luck I have is bad luck, favored my fate to quit on reaching the end line for another year because of personal and family reasons. But as my past has churned me in not giving up, made me take an alternate route to reach the goal a little earlier. Now all I need to do for the next two weeks is to concentrate, travel more distances and work hard to earn my degree.
This month has really betrayed me a lot. Friends mistaking my attitude, my concern for them and even mistaking my friendship as a route for relationship. Had no other idea, but to quit being close with them. Personal fluctuations both here and back in India is really burdening me a lot now a days. I had crossed the stage of blaming God and asking Him ‘Why me?’ to a stage, where I don’t believe in the existence of God. Now all I believe is I don’t believe in God. But that doesn’t make me forget God. I just don’t believe in prayers now a days. Financially I am doing great. Being in 3 committees and taking care of the money has really helped me learn the art of green rotation. My bank account shows that am a millionare in student terms. But in paupersome language I still hold the cadet position. Some way or the other I find a route to get things done now a days and I don’t like being like this.
My back has really killed me finally. Things were jargoned by the doc about the muscle, and my spine and all I can understand is, I am done for finally. Had some emergence expenses because of it and I am now more than broke. Because of it, I had to quit doing simple things which give me true happiness like watching the sky everytime I go out, basking in the sun, sunrise, sunset, climbing stairs in steps of two (Now I fell good when I see an elevator), reading books, dancing in my lab with Reynolds with my lab coat and gloves on, jogging when I am late (so need to be punctual now), and a lot. I had to fake some smiles, among friends so that I can still make their requests filled. Screwed up some good opportunities on the field, but I am much improved and that’s what brought me the opportunity on the first place.
Certain odd moments have really made me realize that I should quit on lunch and save that money for an important day in my life. Been tormented with the smiles of many friends asking me to organize a trip on the weekends and being melted in that state got no other opportunity but to help them out. The strange thing is if I go with one group the other set feels bad. So need to coerce them in accepting the situation. Need to organize 4 more trips to different groups of ppl. This is one moment when I feel bad in having so many ppl looking forward for something special from me.
A lot has been really troubling me both physically and emotionally and Big Ben my friendly neighborhood tree has taken all the burden from me. Had spent at least 13 hrs at late nights walking in Lexington all alone forgetting things. Had lost my thoughts once and wandered in the center of Nicholasville with trucks honking at me. Had spent two nights on the grass of Youngs sleeping on the open. Now a days I believe, I got no other option but to keep walking the hard race of life. I don’t know what the future holds up for me and I believe I made a mistake of troubling others for my life. Though I am having so much emotions building up to erupt, I still am the same old kid who wants to keep miseries on the side and just have fun. I guess its high time for my life to have its turning point. Whatever it is going to be, I shall be what I am……
posted by Hariharasudhan Cd at Monday, May 14, 2007

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