Indian Ameri

You’re the heaven in my eyes;
You’re the hell in my heart,
Ain’t you the prema of my life?
Ain’t you the jwala of my mind?
You cared me as a beautiful flower;
You sliced me as a hurtful thorn,
With your lightning my failures got blinded;
With your leaving my hopes got wounded,
Ain’t you the prema of my life?
Ain’t you the jwala of my mind?
When history had it written not to love;
Then mystery had it turn me into love,
Won't fall again coz;
Won't fail my memories again.....

I can't believe the things I had done so far this summer. There was a time I told people that I like wearing glasses coz it gives me the gentleman look. Yesterday some friends mocked at me for saying that, I am decent and am a gentleman. Guys I never meant u were bad (and I know that you guys were just making fun out of me). Sitting on the patio of the library, I went through the pages of my life and I was amazed by the way I had behaved and made decissions so far. One pat on my back from self. I am mature enough to think twice, fast and active before I make a decission which does and did not change my life, but many others'.. I am proud for what I am and what I had become. If people feel that I am too mature to have fun with, then I won't worry coz there is always a day you come to me for help coz you ain't trying to be mature though you have the quality in yourself....

Most of my life, I used to worry that I forget things in life, especially names of friends, phone no's, birthdays, etc; but today I do not know what came into me, I felt happy that I forget things which are supposed to be forgotten to keep my life on the run. Though there have been instances I am filled with those bad and good memories, I feel happy forgetting them instead of trying to forget them. All I hope now is I forget what I am supposed to forget within years. Some bad memories do not just keep one down, but changes him into someone he never wished to be. Today I made a decission in my life, which shall never be easy to achieve coz if I do it, then I would be selfish. Guess in time I would forget that decission and lead a life as I used to do think about......

What should I think?

I can't think on my own;

Coz I forget things,

What did I forget?

I don't know;

Coz I can't think.....

I am not too mature;

Am not too filled with virtue,

I am not too brave;

Am yet not filled with grave,

I am not too lonely;

Am not left with any memory,

I am not a personal ATM;

Am still a human,

I am not your type of a friend;

Am not a follower of that trend,

I am trying to change;

Am not let loose of the hinge,

I am not of your mind;

Am still trying to be your kind,

I am not a lone warrior;

Am not a survivor,

I am forgetting;

Am not relenting,

I am not living;

Am not dying,

I am feeling the intensity;

Soon to have the superiority.....

Things never seemed to turn into track after my post India trip. This time I decided to walk through it alone, none knows about it coz none cares about it and none wanted to be anyone. I am changing for sure, but not to what I used to be as the past has engraved a character in me which makes me look too mature in the eyes of others. They might not like it. So what I have my years to live with it...... I haven't spoken with my parents for a week, avoiding them, finally shouted at my brother for his ignorance not because I was a coward so far, but I wanted him not to be the coward. I've stopped thinking about my nephew (except that I do change my gtalk pic to his), I've stopped avoiding friends and instead have started sweating in my lab. I rose to the occasion of calling my advisor to tell him that he isn't proving to be of any help for my career and future. I've been showing my fisty side to all people who mocked at me earlier. I am proving myself to those who laughed at me, I am not winning competitions but am winning over life. Nobody plays with me. My momentum 'I am not a loser to quit. I am a winner to fight till death'..... It is time that I lived for me, and I alone......

Yesterday I don't know what came into me, I was very angry the whole day. One poor guy suffered the consequences. I made him go for a win in badminton till 11-0 and then I stomped him to finish at 15-11. I was furious at the guy for some petty reasons. After the game I really felt bad coz I gave him hope and then killed his confidence. Later I was walking back home and I saw this bud light can on my way and I kicked it real hard, and it went inside the fence of a creech near my house. This made my blood go red and I hit a traffic pole with my fist and now my hand hurts real bad. I wasn't in a mood to play PS2 yesterday. I played Call of Duty 3 just for the sake of killing people with a gun and some grenades. Later in the lab, I was so furious about the temperature fluctuation in my experimental system that I kicked the temperature bath and water spilled all over the lab. Had to clean it till 2 30 in the morning. I thought I would cool down by today morning and it din't work out. I don't understand what the hell is wrong with me. I wanted to be alone and that too doesn't work out. Wherever I go, there is always someone to talk friendly with me and I have no other option but to give up thinking on what I am angry about and talk news with the person. Adding to the confusion, all the equipments which I use for my research analyses seem to have a grudge over me. Exactly on the days I book them for usage they seem to have problems. It's been long that I blamed luck for my state of mind, but now a days I seem to give into the fact that there is something called luck and in my case the only luck I have is bad luck. Even when I try to cool my head by watching a movie, things go worse. First it was the climax of 1971 and then it was Harry Potter. Man nothing seems to keep me cool. My comp at my house crashed, SMILE failed, Bike got flat, no time to meet good friends coz of some crap issue I've taken into my head, rooms a mess, and much more. But these things have happened to me quite often. Then why the hell am I frustrated for no reason? I need to get back into my trousers. I dont know how, but if this continues then defenitely I am going to lose a lot of friends and happiness. Hope the weekend holds good for me.

Finally I give up. After working 2 years in India, planning and organizing events for 2 years from USA, and doing ground work for 3 weeks, I finally decided to give up my dream of forming SMILE – Save Me from Illness with Laughing Entertainment (name suggested by a 7 year old cancer affected friend) not because I can’t take any more problems, but I am being stopped by the corrupted government. This was the first time in my lifetime I was ashamed being an Indian. Now I don’t care who is going to come in my way. I shall start SMILE once I return back to India. If I can bring an expert physician to India for a specific treatment for a small friend of mine, I can definitely start SMILE too.

To add to my misery, I am now bankrupt coz I have stopped minting green money via other means. To compensate I am trying to spend more time with friends and family and it seems now a days I feel as if I am retired. I had been avoiding working odd hours from my post India trip and I recently found out that it’s the biggest mistake I had ever done in USA. I have decided to go back to my original work hours coz I can achieve more crap than what I am getting right now. Now time is the biggest deciding factor in my life. I need to complete my PhD by 2009 December and then my post doc by 2011 August so that falls in place as I expect in the future. I really have no clue of how I am going to achieve it with the current trend of worst results under my belt.

In addition to all these issues, I have pressure from my parents and from self to set my bro’s business as he wishes. I am trying my level best to bridge the communication gap between the two families and its eating my brain out. My attempt of coming back to my original fun state is failing cascades as now I am a completely different person. Currently my mind doesn’t have the ability to keep itself calm without any thought and this is really killing me. People aren’t leaving me to be alone in solitude too. Though I try to keep myself blank, I am kept occupied by the world around me. Previously with all the burdens I never shouted or scolded anyone, but now days I feel as if I wanna punch in the face of anyone who is in between me and my dreams. I don’t know why, but I have stopped reading books for a while, I haven’t updated my songs list, I don’t listen to them as I used to do before, I don’t take any photographs, I don’t think of any poetry, I don’t even blog, no movies for a while, nothing, I don’t know whats wrong with me. I feel as if I am losing myself to the blankness and confusion around me. I cant even take a break from this state and go somewhere, coz I haven’t achieved anything in my research this summer and it is my conscience which stops me from going out. I have everything around me and am still worried about something I don’t know what it is. The only thing surviving in me is confidence to achieve. Hope it raises me above the sea of confusion I am sinking within.