Indian Ameri

Tuesday

A bad start


Finally I give up. After working 2 years in India, planning and organizing events for 2 years from USA, and doing ground work for 3 weeks, I finally decided to give up my dream of forming SMILE – Save Me from Illness with Laughing Entertainment (name suggested by a 7 year old cancer affected friend) not because I can’t take any more problems, but I am being stopped by the corrupted government. This was the first time in my lifetime I was ashamed being an Indian. Now I don’t care who is going to come in my way. I shall start SMILE once I return back to India. If I can bring an expert physician to India for a specific treatment for a small friend of mine, I can definitely start SMILE too.

To add to my misery, I am now bankrupt coz I have stopped minting green money via other means. To compensate I am trying to spend more time with friends and family and it seems now a days I feel as if I am retired. I had been avoiding working odd hours from my post India trip and I recently found out that it’s the biggest mistake I had ever done in USA. I have decided to go back to my original work hours coz I can achieve more crap than what I am getting right now. Now time is the biggest deciding factor in my life. I need to complete my PhD by 2009 December and then my post doc by 2011 August so that falls in place as I expect in the future. I really have no clue of how I am going to achieve it with the current trend of worst results under my belt.

In addition to all these issues, I have pressure from my parents and from self to set my bro’s business as he wishes. I am trying my level best to bridge the communication gap between the two families and its eating my brain out. My attempt of coming back to my original fun state is failing cascades as now I am a completely different person. Currently my mind doesn’t have the ability to keep itself calm without any thought and this is really killing me. People aren’t leaving me to be alone in solitude too. Though I try to keep myself blank, I am kept occupied by the world around me. Previously with all the burdens I never shouted or scolded anyone, but now days I feel as if I wanna punch in the face of anyone who is in between me and my dreams. I don’t know why, but I have stopped reading books for a while, I haven’t updated my songs list, I don’t listen to them as I used to do before, I don’t take any photographs, I don’t think of any poetry, I don’t even blog, no movies for a while, nothing, I don’t know whats wrong with me. I feel as if I am losing myself to the blankness and confusion around me. I cant even take a break from this state and go somewhere, coz I haven’t achieved anything in my research this summer and it is my conscience which stops me from going out. I have everything around me and am still worried about something I don’t know what it is. The only thing surviving in me is confidence to achieve. Hope it raises me above the sea of confusion I am sinking within.
posted by Hariharasudhan Cd at Tuesday, July 10, 2007

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