Indian Ameri

Monday

Strike me Oh Lightning

"The car, the drive, the stand at the barren corn field, the look at the sky, the arms wide open, and the wait for the million volt lightning to hit." This is exactly what I felt today after coming out of the 'F'un block. Believe me, this is no cribbing. I was just as excited as I can be when I stepped into the car waving bye to AL, and just felt happy for finally find the one reason I've been searching for – ‘Why friends, especially the close ones, take for granted, that am crazy?’

Now, all I do is laugh on the fact - some friends notice only my actions, coz I never had, have or 'might' have the freedom to express my true self in language. No blame on anyone. It is sheer coincidence that I ended up making friends with a group of great people whose mother tongue is the one language that I just learned for credit. Moments were there, when my brother who had an average D or E on his Hindi exams (in fact by watching Hindi movies right from childhood) spoke better and fluent Hindi than my fellow roomies who grew with Hindi speaking friends. On the other hand, I, being a four time Hindi elocution winner and 3 time essay writing topper, ended up swallowing 80% (am generously not giving 90%) Hindi words most of the time. Blame it on 'lack of interest' or on 'poor vocabulary building', the damage is done. I'm considered (at least from self recognition) as a terrible speaker of the Hindi language and the only thing I do now a days is, listen to the colloquial jargon and laugh at the fun they are sharing.


After all these years of sticking to ‘never quit’ attitude on anything I have taken, it shouldn’t take long enough for me to actually master the vocabulary and the grammar. But the facts - I can never ‘even’ be an amateur in the colloquial social slang and the most important fact of me having recent 'forgetting words' problems going (even English and sometimes Tamil and Telugu), I guess I don't have the motivation to learn the language. Believe me or not, it ain't easy to just continue talking in a language which you learnt as a course, even when friends don't mind about your grammar, etc. It might be easy for them to smile and grit their teeth listening to me murdering the national language, but at moments you realize that, you don't remember the exact word you need to express, or you’re not sure of the tense or the gender. Psychologically I'm muted instantaneously and I prefer that dumbness.

With this in mind, let me put forth my theory of ‘why am I considered crazy?’ First of all, there might be readers mistaking me, for being a lil harsh on my friends and blaming them calling me crazy. Well, sometimes, a greeting on your birthday just says big deals about people’s thoughts. The only time I am considered existing in the room (though I shouldn't use the word 'only' here, I tend to imply the importance of being ‘mentally’ noticed with the word), is when the topic is on some global or local issue, like education, science, patriotism, etc. Believe me people don't mind the language one uses when they wanna really know what's behind the debate (seriously a moment ago, I forgot the word debate. What the hell is wrong with me?). When it comes to facts, my voice unfortunately forces others to believe that I’m dominant, never giving into, uncaring, of his own style debater.


Now I put forth the second opinion/theory. Every time, I end up going on trips with the multilingual gang, I, being the odd person out (sometimes it’s not the language, its the age. One year younger juniors tend to use me as a guide, as a protector and of course as a driver and photographer and not even consider me for a group photo), end up psychologically muted. The result – an idle mind is a devils playground and to avoid the ‘involuntary self denial of being the loner’ in psychological terms, apparently unconsciously to break the boredom or even the odd feeling of being the 'odd man out' I end up doing some action (which at any point, I feel safe enough to be tried), that seems to be crazy 'FOR OUR AGE'. Seriously if I was 8 or even 14, none of my current actions would seem daring to my fellow friends of the same age. Looking at my nephew I understand that, never as kids we considered about safety or things that we must face 'if' something bad happens. The word 'if' definitely takes the fun out of most actions. But as always everybody have their own opinion on safety and I do calculate for potential risks and safety.

Without me even asking how they felt, my roomies, who are well versed in Hindi, also felt a lil uncomfortable today speaking with the group of friends now we commonly share. Me especially a firm supporter of my country and its unity, felt for the first time, really bad about the diversity we have in our mother land. So far in my life, I’ve never seen a south Indian making a mockery of the expressions north Indians have (never had seen anyone hurting one’s feelings). But how come it’s the other way round, when people monkey the ‘Iyer’ language? First of all I feel really bad, in even classifying Indians as north and south. What’s with all the ‘Enna Rascola. Mind it!’ going in the Indian community. I wish I can get my hands on the guy who got this mind it script ready.

Anyway still sticking on to my resolution of not cribbing, I’m happy that, in spite of me being pathetic with the language, I’d won hearts in the Hindi community to be still called upon for opinions, help or outings. Other than that, J’s been really learning a lot of words from me and yet settles with the mmmm, mmmmm, amamamamamama, babaaa, vavai words, I working on my first first author paper, writing all my crazy incidents I encountered during the week like Shadow Sneaker, Puddle Pedal and Paper Marks. Well Carrots to the rescue had a wonderful story to follow from yesterday’s unlikely events. But instead of me getting angry on people always finding a way to complain/advice about my dietary habits and making myself write a crib post, I’ll take the blame, stick on to my resolutions and instead be happy over the fact that, people care a lot about my health. And for the lightning - don't ask me, why I felt that.. I personally have no clue.
posted by Hariharasudhan Cd at Monday, December 10, 2007

1 Comments:

I still cant read through a full post yet :)

I think i have a fucken reading problem or something i guess.

Try writing a small one da - like 2 or 3 lines of stuff - i really wud luv to complete reading one of ur posts :)

2:16 PM  

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