No proxy 4 my absence.....
It’s finally time to pen down a ‘hell’ lot after a spiteful week of freaking out. Time was never a constraint last week, but somehow, I was in a state of murderous mood, that I decided to stick to self, instead of posting posts on my rants.
So here are glimpses of what psychotic things I did last week….
“Bhaaaam!” and I just fell from the couch with a Thud on the floor. Holding my back in pain throwing invectives at the construction noise, I realized that my alarm clock froze coz of a dead battery, and that I was late for my individual meeting. The next thing I did triggered a series of events for the entire week. A sudden brim of anger erupted in my mind, and I took the battery off the clock, opened the door and threw the battery at an almost 90mph speed at the parking lot situated about 50 meters from my apartment. It missed the cars by a wormy margin, and I came back to my senses. This is when I decided, that I better stay off contact for the week with friends and family. Good thing that I did not throw the clock instead of the battery.
There wasn’t any meeting since my advisor had to do some work, and so called mom and don’t know what she said, I got really messed up, and hung the phone without prior notice. Instead of calling her back, I just carried the frustration into my experiment, and dropped a sample into the gutter while cleaning. Instead of throwing the nearby beaker, at the window, I just walked off the lab for a walk. A few other mishaps, frustrations, etc led me into a complete state of rage and decided to take a day off. With the week turning out to be finals week, I had no option for a partner to watch a movie. But this inner rage made me go for ‘The Forbidden Kingdom’ and still I was pretty upset over something – something I was not sure off.
Tuesday wasn’t any better. 4 hours of sleep to compensate Monday’s loss of work, and I did a few analyses which gave me the most bizarre results. For the first time, instead of toiling my brains out for a plausible explanation, I dealt with extreme stress by jogging every now and then between the lab and the analysis room. To be truthful, I would have jogged about 2 miles the whole day. The cricket practice was cancelled coz of the finals week, and decided to take a mental break. Somehow pulled a good friend for coffee, and though ended up cracking non stop tummy hurting jokes, the stress level didn’t alleviate. A walk to the library just ended up in disaster. On the way, I saw this glass piece of a broken old window on the road. A sudden alluvion of anger seeped in, and I gave this huge kick to the glass, that the chards just flew in all directions. Saw this really old couple having tea nearby in the Irish Pub, and I felt ashamed on my act as I watched their eyes cringing about my state of mind. Walked all the way back home (cut short on my lab), and then while removing my shoes, noticed that one of the chards actually had cut (skin deep) my ankle.
Watched, ‘The Diving Bell, and the Butterfly’ just to soothe myself. Somehow ended up going low even after the inspirational movie, and went on this drive to this unexplored rally type road. Somehow I ended up parking the car in a nearby farm, and star gazed for at least half an hour. For the first time, star gazing ended up ruining my entire attitude. Somehow a strange feeling struck in, and I weakened to the fact that, I can never achieve certain dreams I am chasing in my life. This, for a guy who solely believes on hope and work, was a shocker and broke my confidence of survival into pieces. Tuesday wasn’t wacky, it was scrougy.
Somehow Wednesday – my usual most worked day of any week turned out to be productive in lab. With the volcano going dormant, things went fine. Until I watched an emotionally depressing stupid movie along with the new roomies. The entire public’s mood was at the floor after the movie, and I was desperately waiting for the guys to sleep so that I can hit the road for a drive. Somehow, the new roomies (still old friends) knew that I would be going off for a drive, resisted to go to bed. An hour and a half later, I silently walked off the room and went on for a ride. The last night’s sequel just continued, and I finally gave up hope, and called my dad for the first time in years, seeking help (I dialed thrice to his personal cell over the week, but hung it after the first ring, not sure of how he would react). I clearly told him, not to inform mom that I was stressed out (coz you all know about moms – somehow they can understand what’s bothering you and your dead after listening to her apt advices). I was entirely lost to a level that I pestered dad to tell me about his pre marriage days (and of course before he fell in love with mom), issues and how he coped with the strange way life changes all. I dozed off with dad still talking to me and the next day I learnt that dad hung the phone at least 5 minutes after I Zzzed off.
A sudden confidence of a prospective day seemed to appear in my dream, and at the pinnacle of hope, I was cut short by my new roomies alarm. Deciding to finish off all analyses (4 at the same time) in terms of gaining some free time for the weekend, I just gave myself to research the entire first half of the day. From no where, I got this call from the same good friend with whom I went for coffee, and she asked a favor of dropping her scholarship forms at a particular location. Instead of jogging the three mile stretch, I was stupid enough to take the car, and was caught in traffic. There never had been an instance, in my life that I complain on traffic coz I consider it as an inevitable unfortunate random event. But today I was restless. There were some blokes who were really pushing me to the limit of walking down the road and pummeling them for honking at the traffic.
Finally, there was cricket practice, the one simple thing in life, where I show all my frustration on the bowlers while batting. But only a handful came for today’s practice and had to switch to fielding practice. I was extremely agitated at this period, that instead of showing my anger at the guys, I decided to circle them out, and give them catch practices. I asked them to throw the balls as hard as they can, to me (in the name of I getting slip catch practice), and really pushed my swollen and blackened fingers to the level of numbness. With self inflicted pain, really taking control over my anger, I decided to meet this ‘long time no see’ (from my side) group of friends in a simple get to gather. There, I was dealt with reasoning out my absence from the group for the art of living courses. But soon the topic diverged, and I was criticized for not living a life for myself. Strangely, I diverted the topic by blaming on a good friend for a past untimely event. But it backfired in terms of conscience, and I realized that I wasn’t really me after all today. I backed out from further discussion and again hit the road to a deserted local highway. Unfortunately dad messed up, by blurting out to mom about my confused state of mind and the rest is war.
Friday, was the only hope for the big weekend. Strange results, a mistake of coming online and getting invectives for isolating me for the week from a dozen friends, and a few mishaps shook my level of confidence for the day. The craziest thing I would have ever done happened today. After the group meeting, I decided to leave
The plan was to come home, pick up my keys, a few T shirts and a pant, and other things and hit the road to
Friday night, time spent with Uncle and Aunty (my room was looking like a dumpster with the week turning out to be low), then going and meeting a couple of other friends (that turns out to be 8 already), and running back home to take my guests for bowling (and meeting 7 other people). Instead of a serious game, I monkeyed around to get frivolous scores. Both my ex roomies knew that something was wrong with me. But they didn’t know what was bothering me and why I was all closed out.
Eight hours later, I was all prepared to go underground. The one way to do it was to accompany uncle and aunty to the temple and that was delta level one mistake. A few hours later, I pushed the cricket team to a level of tiredness, that they were throwing faces at my stern training for the weekend. Five hours of exasperated work out, I attended this get to gather party, in which I was trying to mingle out, but got calls from all around the corner of the city and to leave out soon. The rest of the day was all a game of hide and seek (I lost heavily) before I accompanied a mentally worked out soul for a drive. This time, we hit the spookiest of the roads and it was definitely looking like a road to the Hostel. Even I ended up having goose bumps when the radio went dead all of a sudden.
Sunday – another eight hours sleep, a few hours lost in transition, in lab (found out that I profited heavily from yesterdays derby whose results I noticed now), in the fountain of answers, and there it was, a few more 50 of old friends on the look out for me and I was dead by the time the graduation walk got over. I felt, that graduation walk was boring, and that I might even think thrice or more to do the walk ‘IF’ I ever graduate. A few more run around the city to make some old friends smile with my presence, I finally landed up exhausted at home. That’s when I realized, that I made a deal of attending the art of living get to gather.
Luckily, the whole weeks mess just turned to rot as I witnessed something worthwhile in my life. Frankly saying, the teacher with whom I had the unpleasant course, wasn’t experienced enough to be a guru (at least from my point of view). I learnt nothing new (other than the Kriya which brought lost bad memories) from her teachings. Today, there was energy in the room (from most of my potter fanclub friends), but I noticed that, the teacher was using every statement of what they say and framed a story just to keep herself on the Gyaanful guru post. I was not laughing for either of their jokes on the outside, but I was laughing hilariously by the way she faked a smile (genuine smiles always curve and not flatten out) and her stories and the way the most mature of my friends believed her. After her departure, I told the host that, I learnt one great lesson today. “You (sole guru) give advice to people with excellent analogies at a young age, people think you are crazy. But if you join this club of old people with beards, and say that you’ve been their disciple for years and give a crappy advice with a much worse analogy, people take it as gyaan and wah wah their teachings” I told the guest clearly that I am not interested in the course, if I get teachers like this. I firmly believe that I haven’t stretched my physical life beyond the danger boundary. Every person has the ability to sleep only 4 hrs a day, work non stop for hours, run around the world taking care of things, etc. It’s a situational based concept, and only self analysis and evaluation would lead to the realization. One can calm his stress, emotions, etc if he/she thinks it can be done. As I accidentally put words in my gtalk message “Adrenaline is the word used to beat the philosophical concept of will power” It has always been the mind.
Somehow this strange encounter with this teacher, gave me light that in fact am not as bad as I think. I was good enough to isolate myself from others knowing how dangerous my mind was over this weeks unknown stressful life. Midway through the ranting of this post, I got a call from my cousin sister, and she insisted that I and my brothers family (nephew mostly) come for a family reunion. Now that’s relieving. With that weekend lost in reunion, and a few other weekends planned for some good cause, I guess