Indian Ameri
Sunday
Sleeping ain't an option
Last week had been a complete disaster to my goals - short and long. Reason - Been sleeping a lot. In addition to that I am extremely dehydrated. Even as I type, I am drinking water (against 'no food' rule inside the lab) and yawning at the same time. My mind is having a rainbow spell of its own. The amount of research ideas generated in one week is enough to power up my building (at least my lab :D), while at the same time, it fails to remember vocabulary. It took me 3 whole days to spill out the throat stuck word "Arsenal". Am even fine with my memory problems. But sleeping is just killing my work mood.
With AICHE in a month, new promising results yet to be totally analyzed for the second paper, the new book chapter to be completed in 10 more days, a first ever under grad to be mentored in an entirely new project, MRS in early December and an option to go for paper 3 before or near New Year - Sleeping is no more an option. I am scared enough to even close my eyelids for a minute in the name of "Nap" It is not that I am extremely busy, but if I fail now by sleeping, then I would repent the rest of my life for the one opportunity I missed the most in life.
Anyways, I managed to finally pen some stuff among the slumber shadows (nearly after a month of creating the post). A good amount of positive nervousness is creeping my spine as the days run by. I hope, once again, I use it to finish off things for a better beginning. I keep even my toe fingers crossed for this reason.
Off the nap: I forgot to post that my team won the division II finals and eventually got the championship for the university in 13 years. But the better news is today we bet CCC Stallions the Div I champions in the T20 game with a comfortable margin, and somehow I feel good of my captaincy. Two more knock outs to go for yet another trophy. But I keep my hopes checked. Been pissing off mom a lot, just to keep her at check from pushing me to make a trip to India (which I badly am missing and am wishing to make in early Feb). Dad bought an Alto and took mom for a drive. Now he is really using it to point fingers at my relationship status in a funny way. Jay's all growing up too fast. I hated those 5 minutes of zipped silence when I heard him crying my name Haari at least a million times. I had to back out from even seeing him coz he had to take his medicine. Something stupid is nagging me a lot - I just wish I go back in time and say "Yes and what do you say?" instead of "No" on a question that was shot at me/? I just found out that I loathe myself the most when I miss a perfect opportunity. Crap!! Now I am in such a f**#ed mood that I am going home for a couple of hours nap and this time I am sure to get up and work - if not - I am screwed with a big S.....
With AICHE in a month, new promising results yet to be totally analyzed for the second paper, the new book chapter to be completed in 10 more days, a first ever under grad to be mentored in an entirely new project, MRS in early December and an option to go for paper 3 before or near New Year - Sleeping is no more an option. I am scared enough to even close my eyelids for a minute in the name of "Nap" It is not that I am extremely busy, but if I fail now by sleeping, then I would repent the rest of my life for the one opportunity I missed the most in life.
Anyways, I managed to finally pen some stuff among the slumber shadows (nearly after a month of creating the post). A good amount of positive nervousness is creeping my spine as the days run by. I hope, once again, I use it to finish off things for a better beginning. I keep even my toe fingers crossed for this reason.
Off the nap: I forgot to post that my team won the division II finals and eventually got the championship for the university in 13 years. But the better news is today we bet CCC Stallions the Div I champions in the T20 game with a comfortable margin, and somehow I feel good of my captaincy. Two more knock outs to go for yet another trophy. But I keep my hopes checked. Been pissing off mom a lot, just to keep her at check from pushing me to make a trip to India (which I badly am missing and am wishing to make in early Feb). Dad bought an Alto and took mom for a drive. Now he is really using it to point fingers at my relationship status in a funny way. Jay's all growing up too fast. I hated those 5 minutes of zipped silence when I heard him crying my name Haari at least a million times. I had to back out from even seeing him coz he had to take his medicine. Something stupid is nagging me a lot - I just wish I go back in time and say "Yes and what do you say?" instead of "No" on a question that was shot at me/? I just found out that I loathe myself the most when I miss a perfect opportunity. Crap!! Now I am in such a f**#ed mood that I am going home for a couple of hours nap and this time I am sure to get up and work - if not - I am screwed with a big S.....
Wednesday
The Name ain't Free
'1,2,3,do do do do, tto tto..... Hmmm... DEFINITELY less than 20', I counted the multitude of food and juices that lay in my cart, and I rolled towards the counter 3 of Walmart. As I saw, the service provider zip and zoom through the scanner of a previous customer, I thought 'Damn! He is good.... Great! Now let me help him go with his groove by keeping my stuff on the counter'.
As he finished billing his previous customer, he watched me finish packing his counter with all my stuff 'organized by size and quantity for his easy access'. He gave me a 'Kewl. Everythings already set' look and said, "How you doing sir?"
I: Fantastic. How about you Mr. No Name Tag?
Him (H): Huh????? (His scan pace reduced by a factor)
I: (Pointing to his shirt pocket) I like to call people by their names (and gave him a smile)
H: Oh Sorry! I just came from my break. Here I go (as he took his name tag from his pocket and clipped it)... I am Mike
I: So, again, How about you 'MIKE'? (and gave him a smile)
H: Doing just fine (and he concentrated back on his scan pace and vroomed through the counter).
H: All done. The total is 19.04.
I: Thanks Mike. You are fast (and I placed the last bag of my stuff back in the cart) (Took my wallet to get my credit card while I was interrupted by Mike)
H: (Tapping the counter comp) Your done sir. No need to swipe. It's one me.
I: Huhhhhh???????? (What the hell just happened?)
H: (While I was still figuring out what the frick just happened) I am the night manager for today and it's good to see someone calling me by my name. I prefer all employees to have their name tag always on. You get this one for free.
I: (Woah! Did I hear it correct?) Huhhhh????
H: (Smiling from his heart) You're fine SIR (Waking me up from my question)
I: No. I'll pay for it. (blank)
H: YOU'RE FINE SIR!
I: (kewl. Lemme scoot before he changes his mind) Kewl. Let me leave before you change your mind (Did I just say what I just thought?)
H: Thanks for shopping in Walmart (Still bearing his warm smile)
I: (As I walked past the automatic doors - Three years of noticing name tags and calling unknown people with their names - - - - - Good job Hari. And I smiled at what I had achieved)
(Three years, friends and people who dined with me ask or give me a questionable look for noticing servers name tags and calling them with their names, for what and why I do it, and now I have an additional event to answer their query)
Off the name tag: My name in the MCT and OICT cricket tournaments has been mentioned as Hari 'Iccha' and it is fun to correct people. Coming to it, this weekend I captain my side in the finals of MCT against UCC. PS, I need four more wickets (Fielding) to become the best fielder this year (and also the highest wickets taken by a fielder from the start of MCT tournament in 1997). 1 game 4 wickets to lead or 3 wickets to tie with another guy who has less run outs and stumpings (Who gets the lead is still the question in the case of a tie). Somehow I am just aiming for the much needed victory rather than the best fielder title (While the team thinks the other way round :D). Fourth time in 13 years we are entering the finals and never had we won in the finals (or so the tournament). Much of it rests on my shoulders being the captain.
After 3.5 weeks of giving the completed and final version of my paper, finally today he confirmed that he is going to submit the paper into Langmuir. This is by far most the longest and most result filled paper from the lab ever (34 pages) and am keeping my fingers crossed for this big break. PS: This is the only paper which was entirely written by a student in the lab and it is therefore big for me and my advisor. Too many things happening at the same time and I need loads and loads of luck (which somehow I want to believe in). I need 2 more first authors and 2 more second authors and if possible a book chapter in 12 months time to finalize my resume for post doc. It's time to work till I get into mercy killin mode.... :)
As he finished billing his previous customer, he watched me finish packing his counter with all my stuff 'organized by size and quantity for his easy access'. He gave me a 'Kewl. Everythings already set' look and said, "How you doing sir?"
I: Fantastic. How about you Mr. No Name Tag?
Him (H): Huh????? (His scan pace reduced by a factor)
I: (Pointing to his shirt pocket) I like to call people by their names (and gave him a smile)
H: Oh Sorry! I just came from my break. Here I go (as he took his name tag from his pocket and clipped it)... I am Mike
I: So, again, How about you 'MIKE'? (and gave him a smile)
H: Doing just fine (and he concentrated back on his scan pace and vroomed through the counter).
H: All done. The total is 19.04.
I: Thanks Mike. You are fast (and I placed the last bag of my stuff back in the cart) (Took my wallet to get my credit card while I was interrupted by Mike)
H: (Tapping the counter comp) Your done sir. No need to swipe. It's one me.
I: Huhhhhh???????? (What the hell just happened?)
H: (While I was still figuring out what the frick just happened) I am the night manager for today and it's good to see someone calling me by my name. I prefer all employees to have their name tag always on. You get this one for free.
I: (Woah! Did I hear it correct?) Huhhhh????
H: (Smiling from his heart) You're fine SIR (Waking me up from my question)
I: No. I'll pay for it. (blank)
H: YOU'RE FINE SIR!
I: (kewl. Lemme scoot before he changes his mind) Kewl. Let me leave before you change your mind (Did I just say what I just thought?)
H: Thanks for shopping in Walmart (Still bearing his warm smile)
I: (As I walked past the automatic doors - Three years of noticing name tags and calling unknown people with their names - - - - - Good job Hari. And I smiled at what I had achieved)
(Three years, friends and people who dined with me ask or give me a questionable look for noticing servers name tags and calling them with their names, for what and why I do it, and now I have an additional event to answer their query)
Off the name tag: My name in the MCT and OICT cricket tournaments has been mentioned as Hari 'Iccha' and it is fun to correct people. Coming to it, this weekend I captain my side in the finals of MCT against UCC. PS, I need four more wickets (Fielding) to become the best fielder this year (and also the highest wickets taken by a fielder from the start of MCT tournament in 1997). 1 game 4 wickets to lead or 3 wickets to tie with another guy who has less run outs and stumpings (Who gets the lead is still the question in the case of a tie). Somehow I am just aiming for the much needed victory rather than the best fielder title (While the team thinks the other way round :D). Fourth time in 13 years we are entering the finals and never had we won in the finals (or so the tournament). Much of it rests on my shoulders being the captain.
After 3.5 weeks of giving the completed and final version of my paper, finally today he confirmed that he is going to submit the paper into Langmuir. This is by far most the longest and most result filled paper from the lab ever (34 pages) and am keeping my fingers crossed for this big break. PS: This is the only paper which was entirely written by a student in the lab and it is therefore big for me and my advisor. Too many things happening at the same time and I need loads and loads of luck (which somehow I want to believe in). I need 2 more first authors and 2 more second authors and if possible a book chapter in 12 months time to finalize my resume for post doc. It's time to work till I get into mercy killin mode.... :)
Tuesday
20 Questions (Yet another boring tag)
Boss – Not another tag. Krrrrrrr…… This one’s for you coz you’ve stood strong and fat for quite some time… :D
The rules for the tag are (Blah blah blah – my point of view)
RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
RULE #2 Tag 6 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.
So here is how it goes...
1.If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
I love her. Not necessary it has to be returned… ;)
2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
All my dreams are unbelievably impossible in reality. So I’d say lemme just work on to keep my goals come true.
3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
None. As per Newton’s third law my foot gets a beating too.
4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Convert it to pennies and count them the rest of my life. Come on guys. A billion things can be done with billion dollars.
5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
You fall in love at the most unexpected time to the most unexpected person. It is possible that she turns out to be my best friend.
6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
Tough one. I would say “Being in love itself is a curse. Why think about the blessings?”
7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
In love everyone’s a fool. And a fool waits till forever and ever and ever and ever…..
8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
Answer from 1. I’d just keep loving her.
9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
Healthcare for everyone.
10. What takes you down the fastest?
A lot of things can be detrimental to my mood. But I learnt to come out of it in seconds. So if someone’s answering this question, rephrase the question to what keeps you up the most?
11. On a scale of 1 to 10 how happy are you?
10 for the million random smiles I have every day. And 4 for the very few random issues that come up fast in life.
12. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Dead. Sounds crazy? Well, I’ve been targeting my 30th birthday as the last day in earth so that I can achieve the most before I reach 30. Whatever comes after it is bonus to me and to the world.
13. What’s your fear?
Fear of not doing much within 30…. :P
14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
BOSS – BIG, OVERSMART, SENSITIVE, but shall be very SUCCESSFUL.
15. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
How can I be poor if I’d married the girl of my life? ;)
16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
Woah! Is love a multiple choice question for you guys? Rethink your feelings bro/sis…
17. Would you give all in a relationship?
Be anything – give 97% commitment. The rest 3% is flexible (from practical point of view).
18. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
Got a pretty bad memory of events and people in particular. So I forget them and therefore never comes the question of forgetting them.
19. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
Been in both. “I’ve been single and been in million relationships (everyone’s related) and I’ve been in a relationship and luckily enjoyed the single side of life too coz she never cared”
20. List of 6 people to tag:
Go do your daily work instead of being tagged. If your still jobless and worthless (like I was for the past half hour) tag along…..
1 + Anniversary
As the confident tone and the cordial tune set smiles among the various singers in the room, I smiled at the statue that was being worshiped in front of me. A sense of happiness filled me for what I was doing, what I did, and most of all how I did.
It's been about a year and few weeks that I turned into an atheist; Atheist, from this one year of experience, would be the wrong term to use. I need something else to represent what I've been doing. Well, the thing is, I go to temples when friends want to go or invite me to come, I do involve in bhajans with the same old shower time croaky voice, chant mantras (those I know by heart and those - I try to read from encrypted marati texts), adore the tilak, hug the aarthi, narrate the stories and most of all 'Explain the true meaning of a mantra or a story in the humanitarian way', etc etc. Saying this, I would also say that "I don't pray to the Lord for anything and I don't thank him for even the best of the day I had and greatly Never ever started to blame or question Him/Her"
I've asked my questions only to self and have answered or found the answers by self. No clause, no threads attached. Initially, I thought this is gonna be tough. But somehow it had been the other way round. I'd been more successful, more energetic, more responsible for my actions and above all I found peace in the world around me. It is good to feel that the question "Why me?" has been completely eradicated from my thoughts. Now a days it's only "What was the mistake behind this issue?" or a similar one. I am defenitely not asking anyone to follow the path I chose about true religion or belief in God, but I do ask everyone who believes really in the Almighty to stop asking and start thanking if you can. That might someday prove useful when you are hit with the biggest issue in your life. That's when you find answers to your issues rather than expecting an answer and blaming someone or something for no reason.
PS: Saw "A Wednesday" yesterday and I absolutely, recommend it to everyone in the World. The pick of the dialogues from the movie was "I am not telling you the name, because we related name to religion".... How true.....................
It's been about a year and few weeks that I turned into an atheist; Atheist, from this one year of experience, would be the wrong term to use. I need something else to represent what I've been doing. Well, the thing is, I go to temples when friends want to go or invite me to come, I do involve in bhajans with the same old shower time croaky voice, chant mantras (those I know by heart and those - I try to read from encrypted marati texts), adore the tilak, hug the aarthi, narrate the stories and most of all 'Explain the true meaning of a mantra or a story in the humanitarian way', etc etc. Saying this, I would also say that "I don't pray to the Lord for anything and I don't thank him for even the best of the day I had and greatly Never ever started to blame or question Him/Her"
I've asked my questions only to self and have answered or found the answers by self. No clause, no threads attached. Initially, I thought this is gonna be tough. But somehow it had been the other way round. I'd been more successful, more energetic, more responsible for my actions and above all I found peace in the world around me. It is good to feel that the question "Why me?" has been completely eradicated from my thoughts. Now a days it's only "What was the mistake behind this issue?" or a similar one. I am defenitely not asking anyone to follow the path I chose about true religion or belief in God, but I do ask everyone who believes really in the Almighty to stop asking and start thanking if you can. That might someday prove useful when you are hit with the biggest issue in your life. That's when you find answers to your issues rather than expecting an answer and blaming someone or something for no reason.
PS: Saw "A Wednesday" yesterday and I absolutely, recommend it to everyone in the World. The pick of the dialogues from the movie was "I am not telling you the name, because we related name to religion".... How true.....................
Monday
Stars
"Realization of self truth has always brought a smile in my face" - Whatever that means. Yesterday just before starting for the semifinals MCT game (5 am), I came out of my house and keyed in my ignition. Somehow, I turned it off, and walked out and watched the stars 'winking' at me. Instead of rushing to gather around the team for the game, I just laid on my car bonnet and watched the stars for more than 10 important minutesv of my life. Just played a game of drawing lines to get an image I used to do so with my paternal father when I was 8 or 9. Somehow I ended up in a pretty confused image and told myself, I can do better. Within a minute, everything seemed so pretty and I laughed hysterical at the state of my mind. When I meant hysterical, I mean, laughing to a state that I scared myself eventually.
PS: Yesterday, I told my alter ego esp type friend that I wasn't impressed with the movie "Mumbai Meri Jaan" and his shock on this information felt as a variety to me. In his terms, "My brain is pretty much messed up" Guess, I need to start star gazing a lot from now on to be back on terms......
PS: Yesterday, I told my alter ego esp type friend that I wasn't impressed with the movie "Mumbai Meri Jaan" and his shock on this information felt as a variety to me. In his terms, "My brain is pretty much messed up" Guess, I need to start star gazing a lot from now on to be back on terms......
Saturday
Being Hit Hard
Is it by anyway fucken death season all of a sudden? I haven't even recovered from one of my best friends death, and now I already hear news about one of my close friends dad passing away. And to make matters worst, he just came to the US, to do his MBA and has now left the country for good back to India. I'd been in great touch with only two friends from my under grad and one is all the time working on his business, traveling different countries except the States and the other, whom I just met in Boston, is back home. I'd been in situations, of recovering from a close ones death, but now, for the first time, I'm in a situation of 'supposed to console' my friend on his loss. To make things worse, I have this huge guilt of not meeting him in Boston on the last day, before I left back to Lexington.
Usually, I don't expect anything in return from friends, but for the first time, I'm expecting atleast a "Is everything alright?" from some close friends, who by far are occupied in their work and future. Fucken I don't want to go back to the old state and complain stuff on some stupid so called God, but events such as these are really throwing me off guard. Yesterday took one of the strongest blows in my life for being blamed for a last second planned stupid idea'ed surprise birthday party. I'd been gritting my teeth long enough on stuff that should have been dealt long back. Guess I was too particular in not hurting some peoples feelings. I don't need the respect I need for being a friend. But I do need some respect for atleast being a human. I deserve it.
I have million reasons to go back to India and I am still holding on to one stupid reason or goal which I now feel is not worthy enough to achieve. I don't know where the fuck I learnt this stupid concept of being in the moment and forget what happened or what might happen and somehow this stupid concept is not entirely working for me.
When, those few people I depend upon, to let go off my research related stress or even throw a sighful smile at, all of a sudden seem so distant in heart, I guess I deserve being lonely. I'll just assume that everyone needs some space at this moment and I'd rather lock myself inside my box....
Usually, I don't expect anything in return from friends, but for the first time, I'm expecting atleast a "Is everything alright?" from some close friends, who by far are occupied in their work and future. Fucken I don't want to go back to the old state and complain stuff on some stupid so called God, but events such as these are really throwing me off guard. Yesterday took one of the strongest blows in my life for being blamed for a last second planned stupid idea'ed surprise birthday party. I'd been gritting my teeth long enough on stuff that should have been dealt long back. Guess I was too particular in not hurting some peoples feelings. I don't need the respect I need for being a friend. But I do need some respect for atleast being a human. I deserve it.
I have million reasons to go back to India and I am still holding on to one stupid reason or goal which I now feel is not worthy enough to achieve. I don't know where the fuck I learnt this stupid concept of being in the moment and forget what happened or what might happen and somehow this stupid concept is not entirely working for me.
When, those few people I depend upon, to let go off my research related stress or even throw a sighful smile at, all of a sudden seem so distant in heart, I guess I deserve being lonely. I'll just assume that everyone needs some space at this moment and I'd rather lock myself inside my box....
Tuesday
The Wooden Fence
"You are one emotionless guy" was what my funny roomie called me just for fun as we browsed through some random you tube videos.
Was it Nostalgia of memories that haunt me the most, I decided to pull up my pants and do call the one person I messed up big time with. For a person who rarely remembers his house number or his own phone number, it turned out to be pretty hard to squeeze out the 10 odd digits to call her. Fortunately after wasting a couple of tens of green bills on a series of numbers, I did get hold of her.
Yes! It was NOT the simple "Hey dudette" or "Guess whom" or "Hello, this is Hari. Remember me?"
There was enough friction in the breath of my pause, that I had to hang up the first time I heard her voice. A few gulps of water, and a few minutes later, once again I faced her "Hello". A straight apology for the things that happened and changed the course of our lives, set the tone up to the comfortable level and I was there talking with her like I always used to do.
A minute later, I decided to ask her about the one guy I never should have messed up with. Her immediate response was as shocking as the news I heard about seven years ago. After the call, I pulled up my comforter and slept two hours on a stretch and spent the rest of the day in sleep and stuff that never meant to occupy my mind.
Yesterday after watching Rock On, I lost it entirely. I've grown truly emotionless. I lost a mentor, a believer in me, an equivalent brother, and foremost a great friend and I've locked my emotions too hard, that I'm scared of myself. I've got no place to run and I've got no one to tear upon. In fact, I'm turned into this cold hearted guy that I don't wanna even think of crying or wanna think of the incidents that turned my life into what I pursue now. I am no man I used to think about in the past. I am nothing of what I wanted to be. I don't know what I'm going through. I don't understand whenther it's pain or avoidance or cold bloodiness. I just wish that I cry sooner than I can imagine about.
"What's the point in living if you can't die enough for your dream?" - Sid
I am sure you lived enough to keep your dream living. And as I've said to you before "You started it first. But, I'll finish it last" :)
Rest in Peace da... I'll miss you da.
Was it Nostalgia of memories that haunt me the most, I decided to pull up my pants and do call the one person I messed up big time with. For a person who rarely remembers his house number or his own phone number, it turned out to be pretty hard to squeeze out the 10 odd digits to call her. Fortunately after wasting a couple of tens of green bills on a series of numbers, I did get hold of her.
Yes! It was NOT the simple "Hey dudette" or "Guess whom" or "Hello, this is Hari. Remember me?"
There was enough friction in the breath of my pause, that I had to hang up the first time I heard her voice. A few gulps of water, and a few minutes later, once again I faced her "Hello". A straight apology for the things that happened and changed the course of our lives, set the tone up to the comfortable level and I was there talking with her like I always used to do.
A minute later, I decided to ask her about the one guy I never should have messed up with. Her immediate response was as shocking as the news I heard about seven years ago. After the call, I pulled up my comforter and slept two hours on a stretch and spent the rest of the day in sleep and stuff that never meant to occupy my mind.
Yesterday after watching Rock On, I lost it entirely. I've grown truly emotionless. I lost a mentor, a believer in me, an equivalent brother, and foremost a great friend and I've locked my emotions too hard, that I'm scared of myself. I've got no place to run and I've got no one to tear upon. In fact, I'm turned into this cold hearted guy that I don't wanna even think of crying or wanna think of the incidents that turned my life into what I pursue now. I am no man I used to think about in the past. I am nothing of what I wanted to be. I don't know what I'm going through. I don't understand whenther it's pain or avoidance or cold bloodiness. I just wish that I cry sooner than I can imagine about.
"What's the point in living if you can't die enough for your dream?" - Sid
I am sure you lived enough to keep your dream living. And as I've said to you before "You started it first. But, I'll finish it last" :)
Rest in Peace da... I'll miss you da.
