Indian Ameri

Sunday

Reponsibilities vs Age

It had been two weeks that I had updated my blog. Yes just two weeks but the things that happened during this long interim was worth living. There was this strange habit which I developed during this era of realization. I had this small paper (around 7 cm to 4 cm, seems like am doing to much precise research) which I tore from an old notepad of mine. It was a ruled paper on which I started writing something named “To Do List”. The first thing I wrote was a silly one – “need to go to cooperstown ground and play on the swing”. Guess what that was the last thing I did before I came home to write this blog. The best thing is I started swinging around 11 pm and went till 0000 hrs. It was freezing cold outside but I dint feel a thing when I swung in it. Thought about all the stuff I had encountered in my one year of American life. As a friend had put forward “I wasn’t thinking abt the journey of coming to USA but a journey of self realization”
A year and 66 days (improvement 1 – I know the day I live on currently and can remember the day something happened in my life) ago I was a man……. Nahhh!!! Now looking at those days I would say now, that I was a boy who was blinded by the fact that I had my life under control, that I valued my money, that I understood my parents, that I faced my responsibilities and that I respected my profession and my goals. Those four years were a real bliss in my life, but I definitely don’t wanna stay in that same time. From being a guy who did not give a damn about future, spending most of my time playing cricket (after bunking classes), eating pani puri and other chat items in the Univ canteen, roaming the city in my bike at speeds which should have killed me and of course never listening to my dads golden words and finally extracting money from mom with some silly reason; on to a guy being putting 200% of his time on the work in his hands (of course with my ipod blaring in my ears) is a mesmerizing metamorphosis.
Back in India when I went for job in a chemical industry I thought that I had the qualities to manage any kind of a situation. But now I realize that would have been a great mistake. Things that happened after I reached here was a shock in my life – a shock which has given me the strength to sustain life and one day shall help me achieve my ambitions. People reading this blog might think that I had the same problems that any international student would have encountered while entering a new country. If that’s what u think then u r terribly wrong. Language, people, money, even friends is never a problem with me – be it India or USA. I was given a responsibility so powerful that if revealed could be devastating for my loved ones, if left alone will be devastating for the same loved ones, if tried to rectify shall some day be devastating. The only way to cure the pathetic problem clinging on to my throat is to acclimatize myself to the situation and then kill it. For that I need experience of a 40 year old father. The responsibility am bearing is beyond imagination (even for a bollywood director). To make u smile let me put it as it’s exponential to the power age vs age plot (I know it’s a PJ, but you did smile).
I have been under this hell for the past 1 year. I made just one mistake of saying “Yes” to someone and that one word is haunting me every day. I guy being a RA from the beginning of his international graduate life would never be like me. I don’t know why I am saying this, but there had been nights in which I had cried at 4 in the morning fearing my nightmares. But that has paved some good quality roadmap in my life.
Now I am the same guy who has a blog page, one who spends 2 hours on exercise each day, one who has a network of friends once I never dreamed off, one has complete control of money to the cents level (am not a kanjoos), one who decides the future of our family (being the last child), one who’s achieving to succeed to become the sole doctorate in our generation, one who spends quality time with all friends and above all managing the biggest burden any child can get.
The thoughts that came into my mind when I was swinging were the thoughts which I feared the most when I came here. It included thoughts of “Why me”, “why should I take this burden”, “why should I live this devastating life” (but never succumbed to suicide coz that’s the most brave decision any man can take) and much more. I hated God for what he had done to me and my life. But now I know why He did that to me. There is a purpose. A purpose which I can achieve without succumbing to pressures.
The day has dawned on me. Now all I need to do is kill the problem with the insecticide called ‘confidence’ and then utilize the light to grow more and to produce shade to others.
And now for my biweekly update (sounds like my salary day)
1. Winter has set in which I never felt until my lips started to dry. Strange thing is that when I wore shorts to Univ it was freezing outside and when I wore jeans it was scorching.
2. Had missed 30 mins of my mid term and 2 classes by over sleeping in the morning. I finally came over the problem by keeping 2 alarms.
3. Played badminton, racquetball, cricket and basket ball someday of the week and still managed to do some exercise.
4. Had attended two of my good friend’s birthday bashes and had the honor of breaking the egg on their heads.
5. Turned into a brainnibal (like in cannibal eating the brain) to a good friend whom I recently met and am chatting with her most of the nights pouring out my stress on her. Poor girl. If u r reading this am sorry for eating ur brain cells.
6. Attended a conference in Loucon KY and fell into the lake while canoeing. Some guy named Zed jumped into the canoe for no reason and sank it. Had to rescue my buddy Sameer out of the lake coz he dint know how to swim when the boat was over his head.
7. Used my camera in Loucon and most of those pics minted money for me when I kept it in stock photography.
8. Completely lost touch with orkut and the friends in it and am trying to go back to it.
9. Had two midterms which I studied 4 hours before the exam started and still aced them to the proffs astonishment.
10. Had a chauvinistic fight with my roomie when he used the word “Disturbance of India” for no reason. Had to defend my country’s name. It can’t be used in any sentence as you like.
11. Read a book focusing on ethics in engineering and understood what I can achieve with my current research.
12. Did tons of work organizing our symposium and found out who the lazy fellows are in my university.
13. Had my first ever Poster presentation and did well in it though my results din’t fetch me the prize. Got 3 more years to get that award. But the thought before the poster session started was a real boost of confidence for my life.
14. And finally I did sit on the swing and think about my life. Now its time to go and watch India England ICC match. So adios and am happy you lasted till this line reading the blog.
posted by Hariharasudhan Cd at Sunday, October 15, 2006

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