Indian Ameri
Wednesday
Sleep the answer
In the past few months I have suffered from post-regular-day nostalgic depression, whose onset occurs mostly around the wee hours of a normal day cycle.
This nostalgia has altered the phrase "Life is defined by the choices one makes" to "Life is not only defined by the choices one makes, but also by the choices that were never understood to be considered as real choices"
And the only remedy I've used is 'sleep now and the morning would be bright enough to shadow the depression.' It has been working its magic.
But deep inside I've got the ever so lingering question, "Is sleep the only answer?"
This nostalgia has altered the phrase "Life is defined by the choices one makes" to "Life is not only defined by the choices one makes, but also by the choices that were never understood to be considered as real choices"
And the only remedy I've used is 'sleep now and the morning would be bright enough to shadow the depression.' It has been working its magic.
But deep inside I've got the ever so lingering question, "Is sleep the only answer?"
Labels: slumber along shadows
Saturday
And then there is the truth....
Few failures can never be a stone to be stepped upon for clinging onto success. They are just vast chasms of no recovery. Sigh...... The new city proved vital to augment the good nature of my funny attitude. Yet, the city seems too far lonely for the absolute truth..... And for once I let my shield down before the dawn brings in a new attire of strangeness. I wish I meet an enemy for once.
Labels: slumber along shadows
Wednesday
The Delicate Balance
What throws me off?
When a person close to me, in particular those who know every trait and bit of me, asks a 'casual' question in an attempt to shift the balance in favor of their 'presumed/assumed' efforts to change my commitment level in anything pisses me off the most.
And the above post is not a rant or an angry gesture. It's just something I discovered this week coz I handled the situation with at most calmness and a simple answer. :)
When a person close to me, in particular those who know every trait and bit of me, asks a 'casual' question in an attempt to shift the balance in favor of their 'presumed/assumed' efforts to change my commitment level in anything pisses me off the most.
And the above post is not a rant or an angry gesture. It's just something I discovered this week coz I handled the situation with at most calmness and a simple answer. :)
Labels: Contemplation, Opening Up, Optimistic criticism, slumber along shadows
Sunday
To Japan or not to Japan
Pragmatism/practicality, fear of "what if" negative situations and its potential predictions, the queer function of monotonous lifestyle and its hunger for defining change, and above all the implications of sustaining our concept of a 'chased dream' - these things really suck the air out of simply taking the next easy step.
I wish I never had so many offers to decide from.................. I am the height of confusion.
:(
And it's a boundary this week.................. :)
I wish I never had so many offers to decide from.................. I am the height of confusion.
:(
And it's a boundary this week.................. :)
Labels: Irony of life, PhD, slumber along shadows
Thursday
The Law Holds No Matter What
"Every body will persist in its state of rest or of uniform motion in a straight line unless it is compelled to change that state by forces impressed on it" ~ Newtons First Law
I'm still holding on to my line, and haven't moved on........ And every now and then I keep thinking, "What force is going to change/show my destiny?"
I'm still holding on to my line, and haven't moved on........ And every now and then I keep thinking, "What force is going to change/show my destiny?"
Labels: Contemplation, slumber along shadows
Tuesday
An incomplete index
After teaching the real way it is supposed to be, I looked at the bystanders surprised stare. The questionable nod about the reason for the stare brought back her reply, "Seeing a ten year old in you all the time, I sometimes forget how good a father figure you really are." The immediate nautanki brought a dejected facial transformation and the comment, "And the ten year old is back again. sigh...."
The short sprint back to the occupation was long enough for an anonymous feeling to set in. And I knew instantly from the single past experience, the perils of an open book.............. Things will be the same - "to keep things different" :)
Labels: Blurry eyes and lucid mistakes, child in us, Irony of life, slumber along shadows
Saturday
Human Little!!
Little failures of life, little guilts of taking choices, little messes in promises, little reminders of the forgotten past, little memories with meaning, little falls in thought, and little more of the many faults that define us make us believe that we are only humans.......
Knowing the existence of such profound simplicities make us look like villains.......
Still continuing life make us believe that we are in fact Little Heroes.........
Labels: Blurry eyes and lucid mistakes, slumber along shadows, Usual Craziness
Thursday
The fool's quote
All I need is one sensible person to say, "Give up Hari... You're just not that guy!!!"
~ Every day is the first of April for a leprechaun.
~ Every day is the first of April for a leprechaun.
Labels: slumber along shadows
Sunday
The Triad
Every once in a while, a sudden surge of passion for a family reunion occurs among the Chirras. While, the senior generation members are all either under snooze mode or fried mode, the pick of the lot among the growing generation make it good enough to produce some magic among those who are still up and tik-tokking solid. As the first few seconds of the movie as sent by my cousin played, I was wondering 'what the names were?' of the different Chirras that were been taped. Three minutes and fourteen seconds later, as ordered by cousin, I glued my eyes to the screen. Instantaneously, I went into shock followed by denial, acceptance, confusion, followed by "no words to describe the blankness". Among the dancing crowd of youngsters (maximum of near 35 years old), I saw mom dancing gracefully. For the next eighty odd seconds, I expressed utter blankness in my face along with a smile radiating a thousand watt bulb. Then, the shot twirled and focused at dad. Believe me, he had a pasted portfolio of the same expressions his son was showing now. He did his sheepish laughter, while his eyes were still searching for a plausible explanation of the sight of "the return of the old self". The last time I saw mom dance, was during her pre-arthritis days, when I was nine or ten.
After waiting six brutal hours of night time in India, for a change I woke up dad, told about the cousins video and asked 'what was all that about?' A series of discussion with queries directly to the lady at grace gave me this - (Am assigning characters to my family members from now on)
LL (Lady Liz of the royal empire/mom in layman's term) made friends with a bunch of Velachery Maamis, personally hired an autowaala, shunted too and fro during Skipper's (Skipper Penguin of Madagascar/dad in NRI language) off-field work, and finally figured out the right kindergarten for CJ (Nibbles/nephew to me; Cool Jay/grandson to her making them the LL Cool J pair). She even started bribing the ABCD teacher with her so called delicacies (Poor skipper. Still bearing to his Lady's cooking). And she blatantly admitted that this feat of her doing for Cool J made her forget her pain for a while and just partied with a success implied dance.
Skipper's comments as sputtered when interviewed were, "I fell in love AGAIN son!" After confirming that during his comments, LL was busy dropping two sugar clumps in the tea she is preparing in the royal kitchen, I agreed to skipper that I bow to his patience of passion. While, this was the case developing back in MumsLand, here Nibbles was all excited to even write KRE (Kindergarten Regional Examination) and TOIFL (Test of Indian as a Foreign Language), started watching desi movies to improve his grandmother tongue, stand in queue for a visa, practicing the right answer for "Tum India kyun jaa rahe ho?" and finally making a list of what cheese (like achaar) to take to India and how to tackle the customs officials when caught on transporting perishable items. When asked, "Why are you so interested in going to India?" the shrill voice in the phone proved the excitement that "I can eat Dosa with my haaaaaaandssss!! Gaaampa make yummy i-keem tooooo" Thinking about the Pillsbury dough eating a fried dough and the yet to be recognized by the apple inc. product - i(ce)-c(r)eam as homemade by Skipper, I'd guess I'll witness these and more interesting stuff when I go to India later. For now, all I need to do is figure out a way to meet the kid (been 3 months), and send him to India soon.
Life away from the Triads!
Sickness issues - 33 teeth leading to 2 decays below the visible region, an anesthesia induced bi-teeth removal and mistaken poking of the other side, mouth ulcer developed on the poking zone leading to inability to even gulp semi-solid food, leading to malnutrition, metabolic breakdown, night fevers, and further misery by skipping gym for 3 straight weeks, which lead to muscle relaxation and severe cramping.
A "frick it!" rejuvenation jog turning all stupid coz I fell on my elbows trying not to do a stampede on the rain-induced-worm-migration kept me locked and sealed. Finally a rebooting of the system by two days of good rest ensured that I was fine enough for some friendly water polo. But, as the apple falls due to gravity, I tore a fragment of my back muscle fiber keeping me stiff for enough time. And finally, the sickness drought struck lightning, by a first ever shin cramp during a backfoot punch drive for a four. While, the guys were ball watching and appreciating an elegant shot I 'never' attempted, Chotu was stretching my leg by pressing hard on the ankle and knee region. His sarcasm during the physio, "Ab toh accept karo ki bhooda ho gaya. Retire ho jao re". Been two days that I'm still limping around the department attracting concerns.
Lost in Migration - Somehow the gold chain I wore, broke loose and got lost somewhere. The part that worried me the most was that the dollar in that chain was 32 yrs old. It was dads first piece of jewelery out of his savings (and it was insisted by mom to buy one for him). The symbol had been lurking around as the symbol in three different houses that was built over three decades, was part of my brothers college life, and in spite of my disinterest in wearing it, mom believed that it would protect me from danger (Always made fun of it, but somehow felt guilty after losing it).
Irony of work - Return of the sick graduate led to a back log of experiments broiling my way out. But the real irony was, the post doc got sick due to gall stone issues and I ended up being the scape goat of a senior to work on this 11th hour for advisor crisis-industrial project. While, I single handedly optimized the reaction to make the best contact lenses as required, not even a single cent of the time I spent on perfecting this project turns into a para in the corners of the last pages of even the appendix chapter of the thesis. Strangely everything on the thesis seems to be giving trouble 'only' at the last step. This has kept me from even finishing revisions for the paper and submitting it for final acceptance.
Strangely the word rat poison reminded me a little over a decade old memory of how circumstances led to the coining of the word "Guli" Although I can never imagine, I still have the right to glance about the possibility of "what if that accident never occurred?" I can only wish....
Rejection - After two weeks of intense phone interviewing and back and forth e-mailing, finally I was let go from the possibility of having a back up option of a faculty researcher job in India on the basis of "inexperience". Guess, I need to rewind my life back by 5 yrs and stay put.
Florida awaits - For some unexplainable reason, I'm skipping the plan of making it to Panama City for the weekend. And I still can't figure out what the heck is the reason about?
Anyhooo the post is long, the debt in penning one was longer, and the satisfaction in finally coming out of sickness is the longest (hope it ends tonight)......
After waiting six brutal hours of night time in India, for a change I woke up dad, told about the cousins video and asked 'what was all that about?' A series of discussion with queries directly to the lady at grace gave me this - (Am assigning characters to my family members from now on)
LL (Lady Liz of the royal empire/mom in layman's term) made friends with a bunch of Velachery Maamis, personally hired an autowaala, shunted too and fro during Skipper's (Skipper Penguin of Madagascar/dad in NRI language) off-field work, and finally figured out the right kindergarten for CJ (Nibbles/nephew to me; Cool Jay/grandson to her making them the LL Cool J pair). She even started bribing the ABCD teacher with her so called delicacies (Poor skipper. Still bearing to his Lady's cooking). And she blatantly admitted that this feat of her doing for Cool J made her forget her pain for a while and just partied with a success implied dance.
Skipper's comments as sputtered when interviewed were, "I fell in love AGAIN son!" After confirming that during his comments, LL was busy dropping two sugar clumps in the tea she is preparing in the royal kitchen, I agreed to skipper that I bow to his patience of passion. While, this was the case developing back in MumsLand, here Nibbles was all excited to even write KRE (Kindergarten Regional Examination) and TOIFL (Test of Indian as a Foreign Language), started watching desi movies to improve his grandmother tongue, stand in queue for a visa, practicing the right answer for "Tum India kyun jaa rahe ho?" and finally making a list of what cheese (like achaar) to take to India and how to tackle the customs officials when caught on transporting perishable items. When asked, "Why are you so interested in going to India?" the shrill voice in the phone proved the excitement that "I can eat Dosa with my haaaaaaandssss!! Gaaampa make yummy i-keem tooooo" Thinking about the Pillsbury dough eating a fried dough and the yet to be recognized by the apple inc. product - i(ce)-c(r)eam as homemade by Skipper, I'd guess I'll witness these and more interesting stuff when I go to India later. For now, all I need to do is figure out a way to meet the kid (been 3 months), and send him to India soon.
Life away from the Triads!
Sickness issues - 33 teeth leading to 2 decays below the visible region, an anesthesia induced bi-teeth removal and mistaken poking of the other side, mouth ulcer developed on the poking zone leading to inability to even gulp semi-solid food, leading to malnutrition, metabolic breakdown, night fevers, and further misery by skipping gym for 3 straight weeks, which lead to muscle relaxation and severe cramping.
A "frick it!" rejuvenation jog turning all stupid coz I fell on my elbows trying not to do a stampede on the rain-induced-worm-migration kept me locked and sealed. Finally a rebooting of the system by two days of good rest ensured that I was fine enough for some friendly water polo. But, as the apple falls due to gravity, I tore a fragment of my back muscle fiber keeping me stiff for enough time. And finally, the sickness drought struck lightning, by a first ever shin cramp during a backfoot punch drive for a four. While, the guys were ball watching and appreciating an elegant shot I 'never' attempted, Chotu was stretching my leg by pressing hard on the ankle and knee region. His sarcasm during the physio, "Ab toh accept karo ki bhooda ho gaya. Retire ho jao re". Been two days that I'm still limping around the department attracting concerns.
Lost in Migration - Somehow the gold chain I wore, broke loose and got lost somewhere. The part that worried me the most was that the dollar in that chain was 32 yrs old. It was dads first piece of jewelery out of his savings (and it was insisted by mom to buy one for him). The symbol had been lurking around as the symbol in three different houses that was built over three decades, was part of my brothers college life, and in spite of my disinterest in wearing it, mom believed that it would protect me from danger (Always made fun of it, but somehow felt guilty after losing it).
Irony of work - Return of the sick graduate led to a back log of experiments broiling my way out. But the real irony was, the post doc got sick due to gall stone issues and I ended up being the scape goat of a senior to work on this 11th hour for advisor crisis-industrial project. While, I single handedly optimized the reaction to make the best contact lenses as required, not even a single cent of the time I spent on perfecting this project turns into a para in the corners of the last pages of even the appendix chapter of the thesis. Strangely everything on the thesis seems to be giving trouble 'only' at the last step. This has kept me from even finishing revisions for the paper and submitting it for final acceptance.
Strangely the word rat poison reminded me a little over a decade old memory of how circumstances led to the coining of the word "Guli" Although I can never imagine, I still have the right to glance about the possibility of "what if that accident never occurred?" I can only wish....
Rejection - After two weeks of intense phone interviewing and back and forth e-mailing, finally I was let go from the possibility of having a back up option of a faculty researcher job in India on the basis of "inexperience". Guess, I need to rewind my life back by 5 yrs and stay put.
Florida awaits - For some unexplainable reason, I'm skipping the plan of making it to Panama City for the weekend. And I still can't figure out what the heck is the reason about?
Anyhooo the post is long, the debt in penning one was longer, and the satisfaction in finally coming out of sickness is the longest (hope it ends tonight)......
Labels: dad-grandson, dad-son, India, Irony of life, Lady Liz, Nephew Nibbles, PhD, Skipper, slumber along shadows
Tuesday
The Jokes on Who?
Whew.... With 8 out of the last 10 weekends being spent on trips and holidays, the self-posted work load (substantiated by the drop in the interim chat history) finally gets a break for some normalcy in the atmosphere tonight. Anyhooo, before the title of the post is outlined briefly, a few things I noticed in the central vacuum of the concentrated work hurricane are
1. All with the exception of just I (me/I, who cares!!), say that with 3 papers, 1 book chapter and a technically sound batch of nanocharacterization and synthesis methods under my belt; I am all set to go good with getting a post doc position. How come I'm the only one remaining over-cautious/over-achieving? Difference between Idiotic and Craziness is to be outlined.
2. Every significant step from the academic/career perspective of life (right from choosing Engg/Medicine, under grad Alma Mater, jingling job/wise grad apps with their subcategories) brought its own pre-goosebumps and post-air punches. Heck, they even came with their scares of a foggy destiny with a road lesser than less traveled. Although, I (/even we) went through the heat, the past now seems to be passed like a sharp knife cutting through soft butter (the heat being the accelerator). What seems different of the so called one more big step in life from its predecessors is that, the new one has a "relative deadline". There is no specific date for a final exam/interview call/visa date/24 hr crisis meet as such. Either I can set a deadline and risk getting into the big schools or extend my plans and glee out into the famous work achieving schools. A relative deadline relative to my (including personal) requirements is needed urgently.
3. With points 1 & 2 nearly zombifying me into a serious workaholic (for paltry reasons of "This might well be my last chance to see what's important for my career in life"), I've decided to take things the simple and effective way - Chilling balances working (Time to boost that chat history back to original averages with some catch-up). So, here's a new attitudinal blogpage - I see solitude in observing a distant destiny blocked with an upstream-effort-needing ocean. Solitude gives rise to my planning.
And now for the real reason for the post - Switching from career targeted life to diagnostic personal life: (With the sibling and his family starting first conversations of settling in India once and for all, I'd got nothing to loose)
Statement A - I found the right girl......
Statement B - I also found, that I am not the right guy for her.....
Situation - Both statements were used (in under a couple of minutes) at both my parents during their two different 'quality-time-on-the-phone-with-son-alone' times.
Stmt A brought a great deal of grief to mom, while dad was all excited (and proud too :D ).....
Stmt B brought extreme sadness to dad (marked by a minutes silence), while mom had a transition from "I am sorry" concern to "I still have a chance to find him a girl" hope.... :))
After a day of leaving them alone to talk among themselves, I used statement C "It was all a joke :) " to curtail their plans to give me some space.
Now the real question is, The joke's on me/'em/the joke?
Here are a few tunes that seeped a flood through the dam of concentration
1. Once by Caleb Kane
2. Honey, Let me sing you a song by Matt Hires
3. Stockwell Road by John Matthias &
4. Aunana Kadana from Leader
1. All with the exception of just I (me/I, who cares!!), say that with 3 papers, 1 book chapter and a technically sound batch of nanocharacterization and synthesis methods under my belt; I am all set to go good with getting a post doc position. How come I'm the only one remaining over-cautious/over-achieving? Difference between Idiotic and Craziness is to be outlined.
2. Every significant step from the academic/career perspective of life (right from choosing Engg/Medicine, under grad Alma Mater, jingling job/wise grad apps with their subcategories) brought its own pre-goosebumps and post-air punches. Heck, they even came with their scares of a foggy destiny with a road lesser than less traveled. Although, I (/even we) went through the heat, the past now seems to be passed like a sharp knife cutting through soft butter (the heat being the accelerator). What seems different of the so called one more big step in life from its predecessors is that, the new one has a "relative deadline". There is no specific date for a final exam/interview call/visa date/24 hr crisis meet as such. Either I can set a deadline and risk getting into the big schools or extend my plans and glee out into the famous work achieving schools. A relative deadline relative to my (including personal) requirements is needed urgently.
3. With points 1 & 2 nearly zombifying me into a serious workaholic (for paltry reasons of "This might well be my last chance to see what's important for my career in life"), I've decided to take things the simple and effective way - Chilling balances working (Time to boost that chat history back to original averages with some catch-up). So, here's a new attitudinal blogpage - I see solitude in observing a distant destiny blocked with an upstream-effort-needing ocean. Solitude gives rise to my planning.
And now for the real reason for the post - Switching from career targeted life to diagnostic personal life: (With the sibling and his family starting first conversations of settling in India once and for all, I'd got nothing to loose)
Statement A - I found the right girl......
Statement B - I also found, that I am not the right guy for her.....
Situation - Both statements were used (in under a couple of minutes) at both my parents during their two different 'quality-time-on-the-phone-with-son-alone' times.
Stmt A brought a great deal of grief to mom, while dad was all excited (and proud too :D ).....
Stmt B brought extreme sadness to dad (marked by a minutes silence), while mom had a transition from "I am sorry" concern to "I still have a chance to find him a girl" hope.... :))
After a day of leaving them alone to talk among themselves, I used statement C "It was all a joke :) " to curtail their plans to give me some space.
Now the real question is, The joke's on me/'em/the joke?
Here are a few tunes that seeped a flood through the dam of concentration
1. Once by Caleb Kane
2. Honey, Let me sing you a song by Matt Hires
3. Stockwell Road by John Matthias &
4. Aunana Kadana from Leader
Labels: Blurry eyes and lucid mistakes, dad-son, Irony of life, Opening Up, Optimistic criticism, PhD, slumber along shadows, Usual Craziness
Friday
Challenge Accepted Buddy!!!
In the industrious PhD world of sighing knowledge, panting wisdom, and choking faith, a few challenging quirks are needed to provide the resuscitative breather. While, the intensity of such encounters deplete with experienced years of occupied life, the satisfaction of completing an opportunistic rare feat is cascading. Okay!! I guess, it's enough that I finish my introductory mumbo-jumbo punch philosophies.
Today, from an odd incident, one of my old under grads saw me discussing seriously with my advisor. My casual half hour lunch in the grad lounge was time enough for the under grads to approach me and remind me that I have grown too professional in the past few months. A consoling survival-of-the-fittest discussion bombarded inadvertently into an inelastic collision. $5 bet on the table from each, that I call my advisor 'buddy' in front of a representative under grad within the day and that he should not respond with a question mark in his face. A reliever from the routine in disguise is what the challenge seemed to me. Challenge accepted!!!
1:30 pm - Group meeting: I knew that my advisor with his lunch schedule today in particular, would be coming early to the conference room to open it up. I, along with the representative, arrived a couple of minutes before my advisor. As my advisor walked along the corridor towards us, I said, "Nobody is here Dr. H***."
Dr. H: Nobody????
I: (Using the opportunity to the maximum extent, sighed, and went.....) NOooooooo (paused, smiled short and........) Buddy(ieeeeeeee)!!! (This was strong, and lucid in pronunciation).
Dr. H: They should be here. Let's get in (and he punched the code in the conference room door).
I gave a successful smile back at the ug representative and continued into the conference room.
An hour and a half later, I was counting $30 from the under grads, whom I promised to join (and pay their entry) at Baker 360 for the night. So it's tub-thumping night I guess.
Off the challenges in life:
Today, from an odd incident, one of my old under grads saw me discussing seriously with my advisor. My casual half hour lunch in the grad lounge was time enough for the under grads to approach me and remind me that I have grown too professional in the past few months. A consoling survival-of-the-fittest discussion bombarded inadvertently into an inelastic collision. $5 bet on the table from each, that I call my advisor 'buddy' in front of a representative under grad within the day and that he should not respond with a question mark in his face. A reliever from the routine in disguise is what the challenge seemed to me. Challenge accepted!!!
1:30 pm - Group meeting: I knew that my advisor with his lunch schedule today in particular, would be coming early to the conference room to open it up. I, along with the representative, arrived a couple of minutes before my advisor. As my advisor walked along the corridor towards us, I said, "Nobody is here Dr. H***."
Dr. H: Nobody????
I: (Using the opportunity to the maximum extent, sighed, and went.....) NOooooooo (paused, smiled short and........) Buddy(ieeeeeeee)!!! (This was strong, and lucid in pronunciation).
Dr. H: They should be here. Let's get in (and he punched the code in the conference room door).
I gave a successful smile back at the ug representative and continued into the conference room.
An hour and a half later, I was counting $30 from the under grads, whom I promised to join (and pay their entry) at Baker 360 for the night. So it's tub-thumping night I guess.
Off the challenges in life:
- I saw my Day Rider (my Suzuki car) in Louisville this week. Pretty much happy that the new owner has kept the car clean and in a better condition. :)
- In two weeks, I was instructed to listen to so and so songs and movies by at least half a dozen people. Good to see that I am focused enough to be not concerned about new releases and tunes. double :)
- I saw this one liner "Only Robinson Crusoe can do things by Friday", and took a personal challenge to finish next weeks, early to-do list by today. Although I am only 80% finished with it, I am many % smiling about achieving it on a "Oh Yeah! Fridays are a better Finish" Friday!!! triple :)
- I had the 'save now' post from the early week as "The Truth of your point of view on relationships, you mention to your close friends is considered a Lie. The Lie you self mention on the current view point of your relationship with close friends is in fact the real Truth." Seriously, did I come up with this in sleep walk/talk??? :| Anybody agreeing/vehemently wanna oppose this statement, do clarify me on it's meaning first. :P
- Work engrossed, background looped, music of the day were "Intermittent fitful dance steps as you experiment", "Slow trance into the strings and off-work-concentration moves" and "Had to play umpteen times from the beginning to finish the song in one go, due to constant disturbances related agitated frenzy steps"
- This week, an old acquaintance Scott Murdoch, an interesting photographer, sent me this picture (below) and asked my comments. While, the most would have mixed feelings of the photograph, I and a close dudette guru of mine (as per Scott's words) were "Remarkably Keen-Eyed". Find the real truth behind the photograph by using simple reasoning skills. (If you can't figure out what the photographer has tricked you into, mail me so that I can inform the photographers imaginative and creative skill)
Labels: PhD, slumber along shadows, Songs, Usual Craziness
Song for the weakened heart
As part of my TA job, I am requested to assist Jim Polly, an 87 year old Donovon Scholar in his queries related to Nanotechnology. With sufficing interactions, I'd gladly accept that this 1953 Chemistry graduate is more interesting than what meets the eye. Yesterday, with the microarray field trip tending to make the class go warm in the seeping winter, I decided to accompany Jim to the HSRB building. As effervescent as a bubble, he walked faster than his heartbeat eyeing the younger crowd of the class fading among the Chem-Phys building. A cheerful chat kept him smiling all the way in his childish slide of a pace. Then all of a sudden, I realized that I was chatting to thin air on my right. Turned and saw Jim standing as a statue two feet behind me with his breath visible through his wide opened mouth. Fear crept into my spine and I had no other option but to run to him. Immediately he gripped my arm, dropped his notes and kept his other hand on his heart. Panic was evident in my mind. I felt the grip tightening in my arm and saw that his legs started to shiver and buckle.
A series of more physical signs proved that he was in serious heart pain. Panic, turned into calmness, and with all the CPR training taken as a mandatory protocol for UKCC and LTCA orgs revised involuntarily in my head. My eyes focused on the Chem-Phys corridor door and with no second thought I said, "Mr. Jim, hold on. I am going to carry you inside a building to get out of the cold." He nodded, and I carefully, let loose of his grip, lifted him and carried him to the nearby building with at most care. Within the next few minutes I had called my flu stricken roommate to get his car for taking Jim home since he insisted in denying any 911 help. About 5 minutes later, with two more unknown students around me expecting his pace maker to kick up, he recovered from his pain, took some deep breaths and said, "Let's continue to the microarray demo"
I was left......... well you know, unbelievably shocked at his attitude. A mixed bag of emotions, mostly swelling towards confusion sweated my face. For the next half hour of demo and the rest of the day, I was left intro-extro-don't-know-what-kinda-spective mindset. And that along with the irony life, is the biggest reason for making me avoid a concluding thought for this post.
Moving from the regularities of the daily heart attacks:
A series of more physical signs proved that he was in serious heart pain. Panic, turned into calmness, and with all the CPR training taken as a mandatory protocol for UKCC and LTCA orgs revised involuntarily in my head. My eyes focused on the Chem-Phys corridor door and with no second thought I said, "Mr. Jim, hold on. I am going to carry you inside a building to get out of the cold." He nodded, and I carefully, let loose of his grip, lifted him and carried him to the nearby building with at most care. Within the next few minutes I had called my flu stricken roommate to get his car for taking Jim home since he insisted in denying any 911 help. About 5 minutes later, with two more unknown students around me expecting his pace maker to kick up, he recovered from his pain, took some deep breaths and said, "Let's continue to the microarray demo"
I was left......... well you know, unbelievably shocked at his attitude. A mixed bag of emotions, mostly swelling towards confusion sweated my face. For the next half hour of demo and the rest of the day, I was left intro-extro-don't-know-what-kinda-spective mindset. And that along with the irony life, is the biggest reason for making me avoid a concluding thought for this post.
Moving from the regularities of the daily heart attacks:
- I've been holding on to a freebie human genome chip from the demo as my research horse shoe.
- I've been withholding so much usual day to day fun that I stopped showing my I-card to the BBSRB buildin scanner and instead jump to scan the wallet in my back pocket of my pant to open the door. There goes the days of scanning your eyes for entrance. Here comes the pretty simple - butt scan... :D
- In an unexplainable irony of chance, my QCM result has gained a free admit for a symposium in NY city. If I can somehow squeeze some academic travel money I can go there for some new ideas. The chance factor is what that entices my memory to stay long.
- This weekend most probably would be my last game of cricket in my life. I keep my fingers crossed that I'd go into a Univ that has a cricket club. Two weeks ago I was honored by MOCL's committee and senior most players from other teams for being a bright captain and player. Instead of me getting senti, I saw the team getting emotional.
- Had our first academic grandson born yesterday. Academic grandson is a funny term.
- And finally here is a song for you for whatever is meant to keep you happy.
Labels: Irony of life, slumber along shadows, So-So mood, Songs
Tuesday
The Statement
Four years ago, a merry conversation on the prospectus of a future initial ended up with a confident challenge. That, I'd shave my head off if I don't become the untreatable kind of a doctor, before I turn 26. This week, out of NO curiosity, but in hope of a change, I 'did' stick to my word of defeat. :D. Therein, started the mental pen of 'baldy logs' which in turn amused many a merry event outta me.
A license bargain wasn't enough to shackle my fourth anniversary celebration of rioting the land of opportunities. A 13 mile biking of the best kind shed a full moon bow at the river of candle memories. The return journey at 4-5 in the morning was drenched with an electrical storm. Concerned, the monkey with the cymbal of the ever so wandering mind worried about the lightning greeting. Nothing had changed and everything might have changed as per the half yearly report.
An ankle twist later, a viru knock later, a math-crack later, a life of million little happy things later, and a feel of an aeon later, the belief on self was shattered. A single statement, so strongly put forth, so emotionally divulged, so abruptly loose-tongued, I understood that I am deeply entangled in the web of my dark ages. What's in it, if a son is not what he is to his father? The last time a similar feeling occured, I tried to mend the error and it ended up as an air punch that still spills my gut. In spite of a million little happy things that happened before, and will happen later AGAIN, somehow, the feeble heart struggles to the fear of finding a way to compensate for all that was truly, wholely, and entirely attempted for good.
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand. There is no going back. There are things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep. That have taken hold."
The irony is that of the compulsory next four hour sleep, which will bring in the power of the professional mind to maraude over the personal beliefs of failure.
A license bargain wasn't enough to shackle my fourth anniversary celebration of rioting the land of opportunities. A 13 mile biking of the best kind shed a full moon bow at the river of candle memories. The return journey at 4-5 in the morning was drenched with an electrical storm. Concerned, the monkey with the cymbal of the ever so wandering mind worried about the lightning greeting. Nothing had changed and everything might have changed as per the half yearly report.
An ankle twist later, a viru knock later, a math-crack later, a life of million little happy things later, and a feel of an aeon later, the belief on self was shattered. A single statement, so strongly put forth, so emotionally divulged, so abruptly loose-tongued, I understood that I am deeply entangled in the web of my dark ages. What's in it, if a son is not what he is to his father? The last time a similar feeling occured, I tried to mend the error and it ended up as an air punch that still spills my gut. In spite of a million little happy things that happened before, and will happen later AGAIN, somehow, the feeble heart struggles to the fear of finding a way to compensate for all that was truly, wholely, and entirely attempted for good.
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand. There is no going back. There are things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep. That have taken hold."
The irony is that of the compulsory next four hour sleep, which will bring in the power of the professional mind to maraude over the personal beliefs of failure.
Labels: Anniversary, baldy logs, dad-son, slumber along shadows, So-So mood
