Indian Ameri

Wednesday

M'able

M'able as I say can be predicted as either miserable or memorable. The past 10 days has been the worst days in my life emotionally, physically and mentally. It has been a week that I got confused and I do not know what I am doing or whether I am doing the right thing. To add on to this, I went not through a physically gruesome trip to Ann Arbor, Chicago, Detroit, Albany and New York, but through the worst mental and emotional state. I thought that this trip would be a blessing in disguise for me coming back into track. But I guess I was wrong. I had promised myself that I would do anything to a couple of friends to bring them back on track into their beautiful life. But my mind was pondering over a shocker of a news I heard on the way to Ann Arbor during the start of the trip. To add on to this misery, I had been mean to a girl the whole trip, making her angry coz of my demeanor instead of making her happy. I have not spoken to my parents for the past 4 days coz of whatever is happening in my brothers life and I feel miserable that I can't help him in a particular situation. Though being a person who doesn't expect a thanks for doing a favor I feel real bad for not getting any kind of response from either friends who are now happy with what has been done in the weekend. Now I need to somehow convey a message to my best friend and tell him to move out of our house and I do not know how I am going to do it. Looking back at my life and my current living, all I can think is, whoever I get close to ends up either dead, or bankrupt, or broken, or lost, or the worst of it all - get to hate me. What I went through in this trip, is not easy to explain. Sometimes I feel lonely and deserted and that the worlds no good for me being nice to people. No one really cares to keep me happy like the way I try to keep others in the good mood. Though I make it sure that none of my friends fall face down to the earth, I never come up with a way to keep myself of the sand.
For the past 2 hours I have been thinking about my past, and seriously I do not know why I am still staying in US for completing my degree. I seriously don't want to pursue my post doc or even my PhD. I am down, bankrupt, haven't spoken with my best friends, my family, my parents, couldn't concentrate on my work, can't express myself to my best friend, confused over someone I care about, bothered by friends, pestered by those who love to see me give up in life, looked down by my colleagues, pondered about whether I should believe in second chances, tortured by the feeling of whether I should betray my truth in love, pained with the swollen wrist which I hurt when I was angry hitting a billboard, and a lot more.....
I want to give up my dreams and destiny and just walk out back into my old life. Everything I liked in this world, all of a sudden seem to be the biggest burdens in my life. I dont want to write a sad poem on it, I dont want to crib about it to someone whom I dont want to bother, I dont want to cry out, I dont want to sleep or eat or even live around... I feel miserable. I feel the worst and I seriously dont want to go home or to my lab or anywhere. I just want to go somewhere where none recognizes me and where none cares about strangers lying on the bench. I feel I want to quit and leave my dreams and my past behind. I dont know how I am going to manage myself from my misery and all I know is I cant be kept happy by others and it is only I who can take care of myself. So many things are bothering me at the moment and I feel squeezed. I never intended to write such a blog and I always wanted this to be in my unpublished format. But now I realize that who is goin to care about me complaining about my miserable life... Everyone is busy in this world and none cares for others and especially about me. So lemme publish this blog instead of just bothering myself in not expressing my emotions to this world.
As I am about to publish this blog, in comes my post doc colleague and she gives me another shocker which I need to work on... Guess I am going to play the hardest game in my life now - do or die.
posted by Hariharasudhan Cd at Wednesday, September 05, 2007

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