The last time that happened was during my birthday (Oh yeah... I do remember to pen a post on it..... Wait for some more time. I've got one more cake to cut). While, it started minutes before the clock struck midnight (technically, its minutes before the birthday), on receiving an angry snub for being concerned, it continued with many other awkward things throughout the day. But, the best part of that true smile occurred as I did a two way discussion with the deities of (not one, but two) temples. That conversation between my funny-go-happy-live-freely conscience of heart and my serious, pragmatic, question oriented, mind made me laugh my hearts out for several minutes. To be truthful, I don't remember the last time, I encountered such a happy feeling in my life.
Today, after all the struggle I had with excessive 'excessiveness' of everything I, damned and dealed, the expected laugh from the doctor on my symptoms (I complained of anti insomnia, unlimited hogging, potty quenching of dehydration, and a gist of uneasiness), and a nostalgic trip to the past several years that made me say "Shit! I've changed a lot faster than I had expected", I realized that I've become too complicated for even myself. Slowly, the frown turned to scratching my head, and suddenly, my mind craved for peace.
The one thing that kept me going all these years, is my instantaneous action to fill my cravings. I did something, I thought I might never do in my life. I took my car, and hitched to the city temple. Before, you all go blooms and showers on me going to the temple, I'd still like to remind you that, I'm still an agnostic atheist (whatever that means to you all.... :P ). Well, while I ran to the temple to have a small chit chat with my own self (I had a silly belief, that I can meet my simple side in a temple), I ended up revisiting chapters of life, when I spent time with my dad, polishing apples during special poojas. Somehow, I had this liking to shine apples using my shirt whenever there was this big pooja in the temple. Dad used to tell me, that apples have a natural shine. (I still have this habit of 'trying to shine the first grape' to disprove my dad). Well, thats it. I never accomplished in meeting my simple side, and talk with him. I just ended up gaa gaa goo goo'ing with all the shiny shiny marble deities.
It's hours after that incident, and am still waiting to curve my lips. This might seem strange... But seriously, I feel like, I've lost the spark to smile for some self reason/act. That doesn't mean I've lost the spark to smile. I just don't know what crazy act of myself would make me smile. Get it.... It's the self smile, for a self reason.....
Ok! before I finish this post with the impression of 'Hari... you've lost your marbles?', I'd like to add that, today, in addition to the apple and gaa gaa goo goo, I did something, I always wanted to do, from the moment I became a non believer. I said, a BIG 'THANKS FOR EVERYTHING' for no reason to the shiny shiny marble statues. Guess, after all, people do need to say thanks to those whom people demand miracles from... Right????? ;)
Oh Yeah, the title for the post - The difference between what I am now, to what I wanted to be several years ago, needs a diagnosis (which in medical terms is called as 'differential')... This is an awkward time, where my heart is not thinking and the mind is not feeling. It's all fuzzy rainbows to me now.....