Indian Ameri


Negated & Guilty

Things din't go as expected in the last 48 hours. Had to quit on my idea of a solo performance for the Diwali night coz I wanted some friends (who are gonna leave after this sem) to perform on stage. I gathered some 20 guys and gave them ideas and lots of stuff. But eventually most backed out at the last moment. So had to rechange the whole concept to a mime. Somehow had 5 more guys accept the offer and made them practice as I needed. Though most were first time stage performers, they did as I had said during the first practice. Next day morning had to do most of the work selecting songs, pulling my head apart on that part, cutting them and then imagining how the guys are supposed to perform. Finally had 3 hours to practice the whole mime and brought the guys to the hall where the show was to be. Had a horrible practice with the guys as they werent experts in the field and most lacked the talent of understanding the music. I wonder why people listen to songs. Lyrics are a part and music is always in beats of 8.

Finally got the stage to practice and when we started, the chief guest came. Had this gut feeling that things are gonna be pretty bad. Was pissed with lots of stuff in the stage and then calmed myself beforet the performance. The show started and it was a major flop. People dint get the concept, had 9 major errors in the act (watched the recorded show) and the worst of all people faked as if they understood the concept.

Met like this swarm of friends, who being friends had to fake a smile and applaud the show. Had only two people really giving a critique on the show. Thats when I was happy. This is what I call as being 'Flushed big time'. Had planned for a good show like 2 weeks ago, had to backout of it so that I can bring in some good talents, missed all the fun running here and there for the performance, had to pull my hair in most cases, made sure that everyone had the attire, the music was ready, the slides (man horrible ones I did) were there and finally everything flopped at the same time.

Coming to the guilty part. I felt really depressed as I had let myself down and above all most of the friends who expected a great show just like the last one I did a week ago. Came to the lab and I am still suffering from this guilt of going to a conference next week and still am having trouble finding some results. My talk is for 12 mins and I stay in San Fransisco for 7 days and my buddy Nitin is asking me what plans we are having in San Francisco. I am ashamed to use my guides money to go to a conference, publish crap results and yet go and watch san francisco. I now have this doubt in myself of achieving my dream. Had been working for the past 1 year and have crap results only. I wish I can get some results before I go to India so that I can face my Dad and my faculty with some pride. Lets see what time brings in for me..... Am @*&#ing depressed.

Chow happy world.......
posted by Hariharasudhan Cd at Monday, November 06, 2006


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