Mood swings has been a part of my daily life for the past 4 years. Of course it has been the effect of being in the twenties - 'make a stand yourself' part of life. Dilemma and confusion had engraved it's mark in my lining forehead. But there has always been incidents when I called my mom and spoke about these confusions. No matter how bad her suggestion was I always felt good after the discussion. Then there were instances when I couldn't give her a reason of why I am confused, and there had always been the confidence booster from her 'missing you, but your strong' speech. And finally there comes instance when your really depressed about a dilemma thats been playing hard with you, which cannot be revealed to your mom coz she would worry till you get fine (in months or years) as soon as she keeps the reciever down. Well, frankly speaking I did have several such incidents happening over the past couple of years. But never was I missing her presence.
But today, for the first time in a really long time I miss you mom. All I want to do is lie on your lap for 5 minutes and you caressing my hair like you always used to do. Inspite of all the wonderful friends, the fun times, your grandson's smile, sibbling affections, dad's friendly chit chats, advices and quotes, I fear the outcome of my dilemma. I didn't even call her coz she would instantaneously sense my feeling over the phone. Sometimes I wonder how she does it. The only way I console myself is, am happy that your not here to worry about my confusion. I thank the world for keeping her happy on the other side of the globe. I miss you mom, I miss you a lot.
Nway things straightened up so far today: Had been working day in and out over research, running between departments every 30 minutes to do multiple analyses (at least 4 hrs), had a really late meeting with my advisor (11 pm) and still wants to meet at 7:30 in the morning (thats 3 hrs from now), din't have much time to think about myself or out of the professional life till 8 30 pm, expressed my 1 year old nephew about my confusion for which he responded with a dozen Mmmm's (wish he understood what I was telling him), gave him food by showing a crane since I couldn't find the moon, took him out for a couple of hrs and felt how my advisor worked for his PhD (having a new born by the time he was about to graduate, working late hrs and still managing his family life), missed all my friends and of course was being avoided by the most and the closest, and now back in the lab calculating my dead lines for the next 2 years so that I can graduate. and back to the reason I wrote this blog - I miss you mom (but now I feel better, and shall call you after my meeting at 7 30). Till then back to work I guess.
posted by Hariharasudhan Cd at Thursday, September 13, 2007