Indian Ameri

There's a T shirt saying 'I was born brilliant. But education ruined me'. Well, sort of this holds true in my case. As I was clearing my yahoo inbox of junk mail (which were important in the past) and organizing them (I hate seeing unread messages in my inbox and anything that's an year old), I noticed this mail with the subject - My certificates. These were certificates I scanned 4 years ago just to save them.

As I checked the certificates I saw this one particular one for which I won the first place. It was in 1994 (11 years) when I entered the memory talent exam (regional one). The whole event hit my head in a blink in which in the final part of the exam, I had to see a picture for 15 seconds and answer 40 questions regarding the picture. With people as old as 25 involved in the exam I won the memory exam. My memory also took me to the event during my high school where most of the students underwent this BBC prequiz program when again I got 58 out of 60 questions related to memory correct setting a zonal record. And finally, I finishing a 30 minute 'pick the odd one out' test in 7 minutes (the next student finished it in 24 minutes) and still scoring the maximum percentile made me really happy. I laughed at the events running in my mind and slowly was struck with fear because of the way I had turned into now.

Now a days I am suffering from extreme memory loss. As my everyday committments increase linearly my memory loss grows exponential (am a researcher, so dont mind the mathematical language). In addition to forgetting my old pals names, phone no's of my good friends, academic gene pool faculties, I have started losing memories on favorite songs which I listened a zillion times in life, events with special people which should actually go into my heart rather than my head, the crazy things I've done in my life and much more. Though my temporary memory is at its exponential peak, my long term memories are fading away.

I feel hard to remember the exact intricate details involved in my research (for which I am documenting every damn thing I do during an experiment). This is really freaking me out coz I want to become a faculty in the near future which requires remembering a lot of work done by self and also by others (whose names I keep forgetting). I do not know how to cure this problem of mine, but I need to act fast.

There had been moments when I forget simple words when I'm explaining stuff. I keep forgetting the weaknesses of those people whom I defeated only by targetting their weakness (sports only). Yesterday I met this kid in a party and introduced myself to him. To my surprise he said he knows me and this is the fourth time I'd been introducing myself in less than 6 months. Worst of all, I'd been appreciating friends for their tacky taglines in orkut and gtalk and livejournal which to my surprise were infact given by myself to them only a couple of months ago. If this continues some day soon, someones gonna wear a T shirt with my quote and a pic which I took risking my life with my camera. Am really freaking out with the memory drop I am having..... PS the title means a negative logarithmic plot of my memory with age as the x axis (Now I remember y I wrote that title. Seriously was wondering y I kept that title in the first place)

'Striper Hari' - well don't imagine things first of all. There's a 'p' missing from the usual stripper. For the past 3 weeks I had been wearing only striped T shirts with an inner Tees. But today coz of the laundry pile up, I was left with no Tees and wanted an off from the usual trend and so went for a checked T (large size). The black jean that I kept at the end of my closet caught my attention and I did wear it. When I was wearing the belt I realized that another person of my hip size can fit along with me.

With the 200% loose Black jean, and a black checked Large T shirt I started for my daily work. In less than 12 hrs I had at least two dozen people asking me about my attire. 'U look like a kallu (no offense I still call them as African americans)', 'Where's the baby kangaroo?', 'Are you Hari's twin brother?', 'The walk resembled u, but the dress din't', and much more comments. The one that astonished me was 'Striper Hari's having his off for the month'. As I walked back home I realized that people tend to observe ones attire during the process of communication.

In the process I realized that I had lost weight and that I am early for my second stage of self grooming (Don't laugh. I never had the time to take care of myself in the first place). The time is now apt for me to build my body and increase my stamina. Decided to go to gym atleast thrice a week. Made it to the gym and guess what, Another person asks me, 'Heard that you din't wear stripes today?' I laughed over the comment while my mind was saying 'I am not a zebra for heavens sake'.

All done and said - I am thinking of straightening my hair for the november conference (which might be a complete surprise for most you guys)

Off the blog: Today I had 3 resutls generated in 14 hrs whose deadlines are still 2 months away. So I was very cynical.

My guide accepted them as results, yet he used the 'but' word for better results which made me happy coz now there was something close to my pessimistic victory.

Oru Mugamo from Bheema by Harris rocks big time coz of the background score and the lyrics. Been pumping my fists with the song when I get the results.

Bhool Bhulaiya is the only movie I expect to be good in the following bollywood year. Theme song rocks in it.

Rejuvenated 'In the shadows' by Rasmus hit my mind a dozen times today and I loved it as usual.

Optimized my backpacks weight and strap length to soothe my back ache. Now I name it as Buttpack. (added a 10 lb dumbell to optimise it. Am showing my PhD skills in real time analysis)

Did my first phone call to a friend (even in lexington) after 8 days. Been really busy.

Realized that I never got a comment from anyone on my blogs for quite sometime. Wondering if the big bang started working on the world?

Cleant my office table and collected all the dead cells on it (my nails) and weighed them. Well it was quite a count. Total weight of 1.6382 grams. Trying to quit the biting habit. Thanks to Ind-Pak finals, had to eat instead of bite.

Read 43 journals in roughly 4 and half days and my head feels heavy with ideas.

Coldness of the grotesque marble;
Wailed the infant of first prayer,

Identification of the idolized ‘baghwan’;
Understood the existence of first spirit,

Explanation of the victorious ‘tilak’;
Answered the cosmos of first energy,

Depiction of the holy ‘kahanis’;
Blinded the boy with first belief,

Experience of the burning ‘vrath’;
Subdued the teen of first pleasure,

Exacerbation of the stoned ‘pradarshan’;
Resisted the will of first failure,

Questions of the twenties ‘parikshas’;
Fuzzed the legend of first God,

Symphony of the conscientious ‘dharma’;
Motivated the truth of first life,

Regularity of my nine ‘Chathurdashi’ days;
Muted my minds to first blankness,

Tomorrow in the ‘Anantha Chathurdashi’;
Will I be the infant of first prayer?

- H2S

In spite of all the commotion in life, I had made sure that I go everyday for the ganesh puja. Nine days of scheduled hell and burning will power to understand what my faith is made of, I had gone to a friends place for the ‘ganesh puja’. I had stood in front of the deity and recited mantras and slokas which my dad taught me years ago, but never had been a moment I asked or prayed or thanked the Lord for whatever reasons.

All I realized from these nine days is that it is not necessary to blame the past and the Lord and thereby detest the principles of the way the Lord works. Yet it is also not necessary that every visit to the temple or the deity has to end up with a prayer. Confused? Well what I am trying to say is, I can still recite my mantras and slokas and use capital ‘L’ for the word Lord, can still talk to people about religion, explain the similarity between the various religions and that every religion is in fact humanly social in nature, and yet believe in the fact that I need not pray or thank the deity in front of me, be it Ganesha, Jesus or even Allah. All I am going to do now is believe in science and for those miracles that can’t be explained by knowledge, I am going to believe them as just miracles that shall remain unanswered by science and walk the path enlightened by my conscience. So the next time someone asks me ‘do you believe in God?’ I would answer ‘I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in religion’. Still confused? In simple words, I’ll attend all religious functions, recite mantras, slokas, sing songs, have tilak, take prasadh (I don’t blasphemies religion in the name of going for food), do namaskars, but I won’t ask or thank the God/Lord/Deity for anything – be it the toughest of the situation or the happiest of a blessing. Kapish!! If you don’t, then forget it and do your prayers. May the belief in you guide you for the rest of your life to success and happiness!

A couple or 15 or 20 years down the road my nephew might ask me the question:
‘Unc, what did you do for my first birthday?’ and this would be my response:

‘Was angry on my behavior for not inviting a friend for your birthday directly, pissed with the way your dad was sad about not getting a gift for you, thinking about how to get at least $30 for your birthday, making your dad happy and not worrying about the negative balance, fought with a 42 year old doctor who was supposed to pay me $250 a month ago, sold a collectible at half the price, skipped dinner though being with my best friends in a Thai restaurant, invited a couple of great friends for your birthday dinner, dropping that idea later since you would be having your party somewhere else, waited for you and your dad to sleep, skipped dinner as I had to do house chores and go to walmart to pick you up a cake and it was to be a surprise even for your dad, walked, hugged, kissed you to sleep at 3 in the morning, turned down the alarm so that you can sleep, sleeping sitting on my chair, getting up 2 hrs late than when your dad asked to wake him up, kissed you and took you to bath and left immediately to Walmart, skipped 2 red lights, was stared by a cop, gave an old lady help in lifting 3 garden sand bags into her caravan, sprained my ankle in the process, got your cake, ran to the other side of Walmart to get the icing cream, practiced writing the words, ‘Happy Birthday Jayanth. Hugs & Kisses. Daddy’ on a cardboard box, wrote it pretty slowly over the cake, got confused over the card I had to select to say sorry to the friend I had been rude too, finally dropping the idea as I was running out of time, drove real sleek through college traffic, took a quick shower and shave and was making you laugh with foam all over my face, was feeling bad that uncle R had an exam, Uncle A had a class and of course aunty A did not respond to the phone call I made, kept you laughing all the way during our trip to the temple, spent an hour of shivers in the temple coz I never wanted to see a God deity in life, made sure you had enough fun in the temple, finally accepted defeat and just went to Lord Ganesh and said the only words Thanks for everything and I was happy about it, wasted more time waiting for things to get over in the temple, played with you, started back home, sharp at 12:17 pm took my seat belt off and kissed you from the front seat and wished you, tickled you to make you smile and laugh when my parents were on the phone wishing you, made sure you remained calm when you were hungry, came home to find that Uncle A had not decorated your room as I asked him to do so, did that part myself, Uncle A left for some work, R had job and A had lab work. In short none were there for the proposed birthday party at 12 45 pm, took all the blame self, waved you good bye for your appointment with a doctor, stayed confused on whether I should go to your party at 5 30 since I don’t believe anyone was going to come with me to support my presence, and finally dropped decided not to come.’

‘Saying this, your first birthday was still awesome, as not a single tear came of your eyes the whole day when you were with me. I was glad on that part in spite of all the spoilers’

Broiling in the blackness of tar;

Expected a force to rescue me,

Came the steel avalanche;

Winds of pollution dragged and flew me,

Tore apart my only body;

I reached the doors to heaven,

Danced in the shadows of the gutter,

Was not ‘just’ a plastic cover on the road;

Am an immortal traveler in the gutter.

- H2S

(Been long I watched some garbage on the road in Lexington, and it lifted my spirits one way or the other)

Mood swings has been a part of my daily life for the past 4 years. Of course it has been the effect of being in the twenties - 'make a stand yourself' part of life. Dilemma and confusion had engraved it's mark in my lining forehead. But there has always been incidents when I called my mom and spoke about these confusions. No matter how bad her suggestion was I always felt good after the discussion. Then there were instances when I couldn't give her a reason of why I am confused, and there had always been the confidence booster from her 'missing you, but your strong' speech. And finally there comes instance when your really depressed about a dilemma thats been playing hard with you, which cannot be revealed to your mom coz she would worry till you get fine (in months or years) as soon as she keeps the reciever down. Well, frankly speaking I did have several such incidents happening over the past couple of years. But never was I missing her presence.

But today, for the first time in a really long time I miss you mom. All I want to do is lie on your lap for 5 minutes and you caressing my hair like you always used to do. Inspite of all the wonderful friends, the fun times, your grandson's smile, sibbling affections, dad's friendly chit chats, advices and quotes, I fear the outcome of my dilemma. I didn't even call her coz she would instantaneously sense my feeling over the phone. Sometimes I wonder how she does it. The only way I console myself is, am happy that your not here to worry about my confusion. I thank the world for keeping her happy on the other side of the globe. I miss you mom, I miss you a lot.

Nway things straightened up so far today: Had been working day in and out over research, running between departments every 30 minutes to do multiple analyses (at least 4 hrs), had a really late meeting with my advisor (11 pm) and still wants to meet at 7:30 in the morning (thats 3 hrs from now), din't have much time to think about myself or out of the professional life till 8 30 pm, expressed my 1 year old nephew about my confusion for which he responded with a dozen Mmmm's (wish he understood what I was telling him), gave him food by showing a crane since I couldn't find the moon, took him out for a couple of hrs and felt how my advisor worked for his PhD (having a new born by the time he was about to graduate, working late hrs and still managing his family life), missed all my friends and of course was being avoided by the most and the closest, and now back in the lab calculating my dead lines for the next 2 years so that I can graduate. and back to the reason I wrote this blog - I miss you mom (but now I feel better, and shall call you after my meeting at 7 30). Till then back to work I guess.

At 2 in the morning when I returned exhausted from work, instead of seeing some grown ups taking rest, I saw 3 kids crashed in the best of their tiredness. One was sitting and sleeping with the TV remote in his hand. Had to set the bed on the floor and gently moved him to the bed and gave some pillows and a bed sheet to be used. The other kid was sleeping so deep that he forgot about his job at 2 am and when I woke him up he was behaving like my cousin (was not in his senses). With guilt I woke him up and asked him to get ready for work. And finally the third one – tired from all the laughing and making others laugh, was lost in his own style of sleep. I was happy that he did not go back into the past and slept tight. After an hour of house chores, I went to bed and noticed that my bed sheet was taken by the first kid. Thanks to his snoring, I did not bother about the cold as I did not have any sleep.
Woke up real early and to my surprise, in 2 years of US life, 7 am looked very different when I walked to my lab. People all around me were busy and each one I crossed returned the smile I gave them. The weather was awesome. Had an incident with one driver and when he was stopped at the light, instead of going after him I just laughed (effect of the happy weather) and waved my hand and he smiled back.
After working for a couple of hours, I was so tired that I started to kick my energy back by doing the usual punch back exercise. Got so involved in the exercise that I gave a hard one at the lab chair and instead of breaking the chair, I hurt my hand real bad.
Checked some photography pages on 9/11 incident and instead of seeing from the photographers eyes, I watched some pics from their hearts. It got my mood down. Later went for an analysis and in between my analysis I get this phone call with an India number. As the discussion grew long, I realized I lost one small friend, and I was happy that he did not go through all the trouble he would have faced if he had survived.
To hurt my mood more, all of a sudden the analysis machine broke on me and the comp hung on me. And seriously this is the first time I forgot to save my file every now and then and lost the whole data. Now I need to work on it tomorrow.
I was pissed and was walking home with a sleepy yet fuzzy mood and to my surprise I get another India call and this time the person on the other end started blaming me for what I am doing to support my brother. Well I did not try to convince her, but now I would say – once there was a group of rotten spoiled kids, and one such kid had gone through a lot to understand life and is responsible enough to dedicate his entire life working for his son. I would do the same if he was my friend instead of my brother. Things are not what they are if you look only at the negatives.
Came back to lab and Donnie (undergrad) as usual asked me some questions and after explaining him the details, I got this comment from him – ‘Hari, know what? You are a wealth of knowledge!’ Instead of being happy I was again down and the exact words that ran in my mind was, ‘What’s the point knowing stuff? I am still lagging at my goals.’ Later realized that I can still reach the deadline even if I do half of what I am doing now.
After some more data analysis and dinner I returned lab half an hour ago and to my surprise I got the reply mail from what I was mentioning yesterday.
Now I have an interview over the phone on Friday. I am real excited and this is the only reason I wrote the whole blog. The phone interview is just the start of what I had been waiting for. It has been 2 years that I lost track of my skill. Been using it on the smaller scale with enough rules and regulations behind my back. Of course friends and family have been against my ideas as always. People call me crazy. But I would say – there are two ways you can call someone who tries something different, Crazy or Legend. I guess I go with craziness initially and turn up legendary. Anyway no high hopes coz there’s still a looooonnnnngggg way to reach my dream. I am excited in spite of the mood swings. Friday has to be my lucky day coz it’s also my nephews first birthday and I can give my new job as a gift to him. But now research keeps me happy.

In a meeting, with a senior in charge member, in the University I was accused for not following the rules in one of the high security rooms. But little did they realize that, high security has its own advantages – security cameras. Thanks to a friend, (whom I invited for coffee some months ago) I got access to the exact moments recorded video (when I was working in the room) and used it against the people who blamed me. Cleared of my charges, now I was accused of getting access to clearance video without prior approval. After some heated discussions and after using the word Ombud, things calmed down and then eventually I was cleared of all charges.

I carried the same spirit for another off the curriculum meeting, and I stood strong to make sure I delivered my point. I don’t want to discuss the details of the meeting, but would like to comment that, if you want to press charges against a person, at least get some proof that supports your accusation. The fight for innocence actually brought apprehension in the minds of a few not-so-good-men. I am happy that I dealt with some major problems by going the cool way. Both the risks I took didn’t turn futile after all.

PS a few minutes ago I applied for trials for an event which I had been long waiting to do so. It is a 10:90 chance of getting the opportunity, but who lost - I just did what I was supposed to do. Expecting the reply from the committee in a couple of days. And yes I am a little nervous. Just wish me luck.....

First of all this is my 101st post so far (with an extra 13 posts unpublished coz of personal and derogatory remarks).

Every felt responsibility come in an instance and then you feel as if you are old enough to burden it... Well it happened for me today after, I would say a long ,really long time.... The last time I felt the need for rising up to the occasion was when I walked several kilometers when I was in kindergarden to my house. Guess that was a lil too hyped... Anyway coming back to the point, after coming from the mall (was excited coz I got 3 $35 T shirts for $3.99 each coz I searched the whole mall for the cheapest attired) I had to cook food for the freshers party potluck. I had one hour to do it and somehow with the help of my roomie I finished it.

When I was about to leave to the function my bro gave me the option of taking his kid, my nephew along with me. He said he ain't coming for a while. Truly this was the first time I had a chance to be with him alone. Suddenly I felt responsible. I never liked to buckle my nephew in a car coz this wasnt the way I used to grow up when I was a kid. My dad used to take me on a ride everyday in his bike before he went for his work, and seriously I wanted my nephew to sit on a bike and cherish the wind in his face. But today I felt serious and buckled him up tight and safe at the rear seat. In fact here comes the shocker. I rode slow and steady, used all my indicator lights and was following every damn rule in the book.

We entered this parking lot (and since it was football night) and I had no parking slots available. So I was pretty upset and my nephew sensed my anger and he started to make grumpy sounds. When I spoke to him in a calm way, he sounded calm. It was very funny. I parked the car near my department and was walking to the nursing building and on the way I saw this kids play ground and thought why not today and so jumped the fence with my nephew on one hand and his accesory bag on the other. We played for quite a while, and we had fun.

Later I realized that he poopied in his diaper and guess what... I took the challenge and after reaching the nursing building changed his diaper. The nice kid dint even move when I changed the diaper. He was acting cute and smart. Then as I walked into the freshers party hall with my nephew in hand I had this strangest welcome ever in my grad life.

The atmosphere was different. Instead of the mexican wave and the bellowed Aahhaaa Ohooo Aahaaa, or the CD Hari, or the Captain, or any of the thousand names they gave me, the whole gang just welcomed me with the at most laughter and smileys. In an instant my nephew started to cry and seriously once he starts crying he never listens to anyone (even me) except his dad.

But I walked with him directly to the front row avoiding all commotion and just shewed him for a while and then he started to smile and play.

Later during the pot luck dinner, he was smart enough to attract attention by accepting food from everyone in the room. I was very much happy that he met a couple of my great friends and those whom I consider close to my family. I just wished that all their blessings stay with him for ever. Anyway no more senti - back to the fun part. We played, and played and played and kept playing and then he started to run around the room and started doing head on collisions with objects. Whenever he went under the table I made sure I kept my hand below the roof of the table and with bulls eye precsion he bangs his head into my hand. Though I was slowly feeling the pain, I had fun seeing him learn how to avoid a low roof. Within minutes he started walking with a ducked head (he was not in balance but still walked cautiously). Later when he got tired he came right at me and raised his hands so that I can lift him and walk.

With him on my shoulder, I had to attend several calls at the same time for at least an hour. I was so soft that the person on the other end asked me to yell or thought that I was in a bad signal zone. Later my bro came and he took care of the kid. They left, and when I came back home after the party, all I saw was a MESS. My room looks as if a kid had been there and ya there was one. Now he has gone to bed and life seems different.

Life's taken a sudden turn and its going to be hard to cope up with it. But then looking back, I had enough turns so far and had managed to succeed so far and I am pretty sure I can manage this one too. Who knows I might turn into a responsible person, first of all taking care of myself (which I never felt like to be done so far), might find some true friends, might lose some relationships, might enjoy what I had sacrificed so far, might turn out to live the way I like. There a long bit of road yet uncovered, and theres a lot to be dealt on the way. As one of my friends advices when I drive, lemme just 'Shut up and drive'

With droopy eyes I woke up for the blaring alarm of mine, woke my brother up and went back to sleep, this time pulling the comforter from him and cuddled my pillow. Two hours later, we were in the county clerk office for his drivers test exam and guess what! He forgot to get the new insurance papers for the test. Talking in our native language we made fun of the way the day started. Still lost in my sleep, I called the insurance agent and told him that I am his ‘patient’ and that I need the insurance form. Had a funny chat with her regarding her getting confused over the fact that I got sick and that I was filing for insurance for medical aid.
With the drivers exam postponed to 2 pm I had my day well organized – only on paper and did not follow a single event as planned and just wasted time. To tell the truth it had been ages I’ve been like this and one way it felt good. Watched 3 episodes of CSI non stop and was happy. Anyway coming back to the point, this is the 12th time my brother is going for the drivers exam. 5 times in Texas, twice in Frankfort and now finally for the 5th consecutive time in Lexington. Before the exam we were comparing his efforts with Mohammad Ghazini who tried 18 times (am bad in history, so am not sure if the no is correct) to invade India and finally managed to intrude in.
After the initial paperwork, I was asked to wait while my brother and the instructor went for the exam. I was watching this afro American guy 6’3”, wearing Jordan shoes, typical below the knee jeans, striped boxers, striped Yankees t shirt and a Louisiana flat cap. I was amazed by the amount of diversity he showed in his attire. He was taking his written test to qualify for road exam. With one hand holding the telephone (which is of no help anyway coz it was connected to the examining ATM kinda machine), and the other holding – of course his pants, he was busy ‘not reading’ but yelling the question to himself (that’s what he thought of his action) and then making a hissing sound followed by a sigh and finally a big pant, finally made his mark on the touch screen and followed to the next question.
Soon I realized that whenever he pants, he got an answer. I felt like watching Monica Selles in an afro American body playing with questions instead of a tennis ball. I was laughing to myself every time he panted. Soon (whew! Way past a normal adults time) he finished the test and went to the sweet (I would say racist) lady and informed her that he’d done with the test. Before she can respond he started to shout at the top of his voice, ‘Yo, I failed for sure. Yeah!’ ‘I know I failed my black ass’. The group of people sitting in the room turned to him, stared for a second and then went back to their work.
‘Congratulations! You were correct’ was the response from the sweet lady. The guy was happy, gave a thumbs up gesture to his mate sitting on the other end of the room. With the face of a happy kid he looked at the sweet lady and she gave back a similar smile which slowly turned to the devils laughter. ‘You failed. You were correct for once’ and she pushed the retest form back at him.
Poor guy didn’t have a word to say. He just mumbled to himself, booked an alternated date and left disappointed while his partner was trying to keep him happy. As I watched them walk out, I saw the instructor (who went with my bro) coming back. I had this feeling coz its always my bro who comes first and then the instructor. My head inclined beyond my sight of reach and there I saw him standing looking at me. All he did was wave his hand to come towards him and as I approached he said to me, ‘I did not beat Ghazini. I got the license.’
Good gracious!!!!!! He passed on his 12th attempt. I couldn’t laugh, or be amazed, or make a joke out of it. All I did was look at his happiness and just walked with him for the rest of the process. It had been long that we both had fun in such a fashion. Driving back to the department I was recollecting all the 7 other attempts and was just laughing about the irony.
I had been thinking a lot for quite some time for the past 2 days and realized a lot about what I need to achieve. After days I even remembered the name of a song I used to watch whenever I felt bad. Realized that I had been foolish enough to think of even quitting on my dreams and destiny. There was, is and shall always be incidents which shall make me happy and shall motivate me for the better future. Decided not to crib about anything coz there is not anything to crib about.

‘Throw a pebble in and watch the ocean;
See the ripples vanish in the distance,
It’s just the same with all the emotions;
It’s just the same in every instance’
- Send your love by Sting

PS its my century post. How better can things turn out.....

I needed a hug and raised my arms
All I got was the coldness of the air
I needed a lap to lie and sleep
All I got was the bench wide awake in tears
I needed a shoulder to rest my head
All I got was a wall with nails
I needed someone to brush my hair
All I got was a breeze as I walked home
I needed someone to listen to my problems
All I had was a twisted tongue and some deaf ears
I needed some peace for myself
All I got was more worries
I needed a life back
All I am getting is a fight to survive
I needed someone to encourage me
All I end up is encouraging others
I guess my life IS miserable
I wish I can be like others crying out
Instead of being positive and hoping for a better future…
I wish I can lose
I wish I quit
I wish I can admit
I wish I can admit
I wish…….

M'able as I say can be predicted as either miserable or memorable. The past 10 days has been the worst days in my life emotionally, physically and mentally. It has been a week that I got confused and I do not know what I am doing or whether I am doing the right thing. To add on to this, I went not through a physically gruesome trip to Ann Arbor, Chicago, Detroit, Albany and New York, but through the worst mental and emotional state. I thought that this trip would be a blessing in disguise for me coming back into track. But I guess I was wrong. I had promised myself that I would do anything to a couple of friends to bring them back on track into their beautiful life. But my mind was pondering over a shocker of a news I heard on the way to Ann Arbor during the start of the trip. To add on to this misery, I had been mean to a girl the whole trip, making her angry coz of my demeanor instead of making her happy. I have not spoken to my parents for the past 4 days coz of whatever is happening in my brothers life and I feel miserable that I can't help him in a particular situation. Though being a person who doesn't expect a thanks for doing a favor I feel real bad for not getting any kind of response from either friends who are now happy with what has been done in the weekend. Now I need to somehow convey a message to my best friend and tell him to move out of our house and I do not know how I am going to do it. Looking back at my life and my current living, all I can think is, whoever I get close to ends up either dead, or bankrupt, or broken, or lost, or the worst of it all - get to hate me. What I went through in this trip, is not easy to explain. Sometimes I feel lonely and deserted and that the worlds no good for me being nice to people. No one really cares to keep me happy like the way I try to keep others in the good mood. Though I make it sure that none of my friends fall face down to the earth, I never come up with a way to keep myself of the sand.

For the past 2 hours I have been thinking about my past, and seriously I do not know why I am still staying in US for completing my degree. I seriously don't want to pursue my post doc or even my PhD. I am down, bankrupt, haven't spoken with my best friends, my family, my parents, couldn't concentrate on my work, can't express myself to my best friend, confused over someone I care about, bothered by friends, pestered by those who love to see me give up in life, looked down by my colleagues, pondered about whether I should believe in second chances, tortured by the feeling of whether I should betray my truth in love, pained with the swollen wrist which I hurt when I was angry hitting a billboard, and a lot more.....

I want to give up my dreams and destiny and just walk out back into my old life. Everything I liked in this world, all of a sudden seem to be the biggest burdens in my life. I dont want to write a sad poem on it, I dont want to crib about it to someone whom I dont want to bother, I dont want to cry out, I dont want to sleep or eat or even live around... I feel miserable. I feel the worst and I seriously dont want to go home or to my lab or anywhere. I just want to go somewhere where none recognizes me and where none cares about strangers lying on the bench. I feel I want to quit and leave my dreams and my past behind. I dont know how I am going to manage myself from my misery and all I know is I cant be kept happy by others and it is only I who can take care of myself. So many things are bothering me at the moment and I feel squeezed. I never intended to write such a blog and I always wanted this to be in my unpublished format. But now I realize that who is goin to care about me complaining about my miserable life... Everyone is busy in this world and none cares for others and especially about me. So lemme publish this blog instead of just bothering myself in not expressing my emotions to this world.

As I am about to publish this blog, in comes my post doc colleague and she gives me another shocker which I need to work on... Guess I am going to play the hardest game in my life now - do or die.